One step forward...

...two steps back. Yesterday morning was led practice. After a week of alone practice, it felt nice to see everyone. Mat to mat, we were, at the Phoenix Starbucks of Yoga; the Scottsdale branch is under reconstruction after a flood a few weeks ago.

How'd I do? Well, asana practice felt terrific. What I'll call the "Jumpback Initiative" (in honor of the fact that it seems like all I've done at work the past couple of months is crank out documents detailing strategic initiatives for the next 3-5 years) went well. Ugly, yes. But I did it all the way through, which was my only criterion for success.

What really caught my attention, though, after a week of solitude, was the ENORMOUS weight of my competitiveness. Not the kind that breaks drishti, but just the kind that makes one conscious of other people around, of PERFORMING. Sigh. The thing is, it is so deeply ingrained that I can't even fathom working up an initiative to overcome it.

Ohhh, I just looked up and spotted what looks like a black widow's nest in the frame of the hammock. That can't be good...

Back to the matter at hand. Self-consciousness. Ego. Seriously, is there no end to this? It feels like a thread I've been pulling for years and years, and even as some of it dissolves, the remainder seems to get bigger and bigger.

I'm afraid I'm about to bust out with a Huang Po quote. I'm liking the idea of substituting "other people practicing in the room with you" whenever he says "sentient beings" ;-)

"Buddha" and "sentient beings" are both your own false conceptions. It is because you do not know real Mind that you delude yourselves with such objective concepts. If you WILL conceive of a Buddha, YOU WILL BE OBSTRUCTED BY THAT BUDDHA!!! And when you conceive of sentient beings, you will be obstructed by those beings. All such dualistic concepts as "ignorant" and "enlightened," "pure" and "impure," are obstructions. Just as apes spend their time throwing things away and picking them up again unceasingly, so it is with you and your learning. All you need is to give up your "learning," your "ignorant" and "enlightened," "pure" and "impure," "great" and "little," your "attachment" and "activity." Such things are mere conveniences, mere ornaments within the One Mind. Really you must give them up!

In other news, on Friday My Gift sent me an email from her new home at college, detailing a little taste of nirvana:

The leaves are all over everywhere. The leaves from those trees you like, with the berries, they're really small and when they're in puddles they look like cornflakes. I thought of you. And Andy Goldsworthy. Why he would be interested in cornflake leaves is beyond me, but they were artistic in their cerealesqueness.

And this morning The Cop came home and said the time around Moon Days are hard for cops, as well as yogis. Apparently he had to go "hands on" (i.e., fight) with a 300 pound drunken, belligerent domestic violence suspect last night. The Cop's mindfulness is always of interest to me, because it springs from his particular practice, which includes martial arts and Buddhist practices. He detailed for me the whole encounter, which included escalating belligerence, resistance, and ultimately violence. His mind was clear through the whole thing--even when fighting with the guy, as he considered his options (Taser, pepper spray, club) and determined that none of that was necessary at any given moment, right up until the guy was subdued.

At which point, The Cop puts the whole thing down: it never is personal to him. That is part of his practice. It's interesting, because it is something I see play out when we watch mixed martial arts fights: when one opponent taps out (gives up), The Cop is extremely unhappy if the winning opponent continues his submission hold or punches the opponent again or does anything except cease and desist immediately.

So that's it from here. Me, My Gift and The Cop off doing our things. And for some reason, this whole entry reminds me of a line from one of my favorite Coldplay songs: We live in a beautiful world.