Staring Me Right in the Face

When I woke this morning, my first thought was: I wonder if I actually, physically, am not getting enough sleep because of my early practice? Or maybe it was the margarita from the night before talking. Not sure. Don't want to belabor the thought.

This morning, there was a new gal at Mysore practice. Doing God only knows what. All sorts of poses, but not any Ashtanga sequence.

Okay, so I start my practice. And am immediately assailed by thoughts about work. It is rare that I think about work outside of work, so when I do, it means something's up. The deal: a few people in my department tend to have a habit of being angry. That seems to be their programmed response to pretty much everything. Yes, it's an interesting illustration of the idea that karma is simply the habits of the mind. But it's also hard to deal with. For me, anyhow. The truth is, I have very little anger to deal with in "real life." The Cop and My Gift are easy to get along with, my yoga friends and zen friends all try to cultivate ease and lightness. So I'm not well-practiced in dealing with anger.

After a few angry situations last week (not for me, but for people on the team I manage) I decided I had to think more about anger. Specifically, how to deal with it from a zen perspective. I read, I thought, I listened to podcasts by zen monks. I practiced. I sat. Still, I couldn't put it down.

Mysore practice goes along this morning and suddenly I am starting to feel really irritated by the gal right across from me. Why is she doing her crazy poses?! Why no Ashtanga?! And with that feeling of irritation, I get into Janu A, and suddenly realize that all my "work" about anger is based on my feeling that I have to "fix" something. That I have to find a way to motivate these angry people to change. I am trying to be zenlike, but still I am presuming they are doing something wrong that needs to be changed. That I can do something to make things the way I want.

Oh, thank you, Gal Right Across From Me Doing God Knows What. Thank you for irritating me until I understand I am going down the wrong path. I don't need to figure out what to do to change these folks: I need to sit more zazen to get clear. They're not out there, these issues. Just like my irritation isn't coming from out there where you are doing...geez, I think it's Eka Pada Rajakapotasana, but I'm not entirely sure.

When I get to baddha padmasana, I manage to touch both of my toes at the same time. Usually it's grab one, then lose it when I try to grab the other. Back and forth, back and forth. Kind of like chasing my feelings and thoughts about anger. Today, though, with the incremental results of practice, I touch both. Not a grab, but a touch. Not sure what that means, but somehow it seems hopeful.