Cracking the shell

Why is it hard to practice in the morning (zazen or Ashtanga)? I think I have a little insight today. For the past couple of weeks, My Gift has been feeling tired and run down. And then she got a little sore on the side of her mouth. These are signs that the lupus might be kicking in more than usual. When she is ill, it takes up a good bit of my psychic space. It's pretty awful, really, because there is nothing I can do about it and we have no idea what course this disorder will take.

Anyhow, when I woke this morning, my psyche felt very tender and defenseless. Which is common, I think, after a night of unconsciousness. All of the static of a busy day hasn't started up, all the thoughts that kind of pull us out of the center of ourselves. So I got to thinking about how morning is the perfect time for meditation, because of this lack of psychic "shell," but it's also a little tough for the same reason. Psychic vulnerability. Good to work with, but it can be a little hard to open yourself up day after day.

This morning I felt the pull of My Gift. Hard to leave the house and go to Mysore practice. Not that my staying home would have done anything at all. She doesn't need anything from me, and there is nothing I can do to help. But the psychic pull is there.

Off I went.

Very crowded today. More and more folks showing up for Mysore practice. I wonder if Volleyball Guy is starting to feel overwhelmed. I went happily along. Fridays always have a cheerful feel with this group.

When I got to supta k, I managed to graze my fingers together, but then when I tried again, I just couldn't find them. Why does this happen? I have a theory. I keep using the muscular energy of my arms to try to get my hands together, and I suspect that may collapse my chest. I need to make the grab from my shoulders, by opening my chest and pressing under my legs more. At least that is the answer in my head today. We'll see if it works in physical reality tomorrow morning.

Crim Girl spotted me thrashing and helped me out with a hand bind. In the meantime, Volleyball Guy showed up and got my feet together. Gotta keep pressing through with the shoulders and chest, I think. And just get used to the whole thing. I did about 25 breaths today and by the time I was done, my arms were exploding with energy--all tingly and discombobulated. It was really hard to do the vinyasa. I wondered if I'd face plant.

Supta k is interesting because it tempts you to think it is about the limbs, about arms and legs, when really it's about the core. Duh, I suppose. But I just figured it out this morning. I keep defaulting to arms, but it's really about shoulders and chest/back. I keep defaulting to legs/feet, but it's really about hips and bandhas.

Crim Girl helped me out in baddha konasana, too. We got a great crack out of the left side of my sacrum. Mmmmmm. That feels so good. In a really scary way. LOL! I have a bit of a leg up, I think, because I like to surrender to adventure. And what an adventure it is.

When I got home, My Gift was all ready for school and feeling chipper. We had a breakfast of poached eggs and vegan muffins (orange cranberry), and yes, I see the irony in our menu. We chatted about one of our favorite podcasters, an Australian monk of the Thai forest tradition. His name is Ajahn Brahm, and he is available via MP3. My Gift and I love to listen to his talks. A little while later, The Cop showed up after an overnight shift and then a deposition at court. So we all met for a moment and then went on our Friday ways.