Day Off

My body spoke loudly enough this morning that I managed to listen and not get out of bed at 4:45. In fact, I turned off the alarm and slept 'til 6:30, when I got up and found My Gift in the kitchen, looking perplexedly at the empty coffee pot. I have a wicked sore throat, and the extra almost two hours of sleep meant I had all sorts of dreams. One of which involved me stealing objects from an abandoned storefront and feeling really guilty--because it was wrong to do, and because I brought My Gift to help me, thereby being a bad parent, and because I jeopardized The Cop's job by committing a crime. Geez. I shoulda just got up with the alarm.

A note first thing this morning from Sanskrit Scholar that Volleyball Guy will be back for Mysore 3/10, instead of the originally projected 3/13. Then notes from the other Mysoreans expressing their glee with that news. And a note from Volleyball Guy himself, who is happily ensconced on a sandy beach.

The Cop just woke up and came out of the bedroom saying, "Why, oh why, has my yogini abandoned me?" We had plans to practice this morning, but I just couldn't. Anyhow, he then started this crazy pretend sequence of suryas with ballet-like flourishes, then announced: "This morning, I am going to invent a sixth series." I said, "Um, I think there is already a sixth series." "Okay, I am going to invent a seventh series, in which I die in the middle of the series, then bring myself back to life for the second half." He's very inventive, The Cop. Quite ambitious. Apparently, though, the pursuit of series seven can not occur until he has a blueberry muffin.

He and My Gift certainly help me keep my spiritual pursuits in perspective. I always think of My Gift, when she was about 14, asking me as I finished up zazen one morning, "So, you enlightened yet?"

Just now she walked past and said "You're blogging? You didn't do yoga today. Are you lying?!?!" LOL! I have a sore throat and feel crappy, but it's always a fun morning with these two :-)

Listening

Just back from restocking the birdfeeder. A few birds were loitering in the vicinity of the feeder, looking expectant. Cold out there. I don't know how people back east can stand the winter. Snow and ice? No thanks.

Yucky practice this morning--no surprise, really. I felt bad yesterday (even called in sick to the painting-at-Volleyball-Guy's soiree), and I woke a few times during the night with sinus pain. But since I just get out of bed when the alarm rings, I found myself standing in the kitchen at 5. And once I'm in the kitchen, coffee is definitely on the agenda. And after that, I might as well see where practice takes me.

Just through standing, as it turns out. I felt okay during the suryas, but my energy drained away pose by pose as I moved through standing. A drag, too, because I was eager to play around with backbends and the wall again.

It's been amusing, hearing "wall stories" from people. Gx mentioned in a comment how he likes the "wee drop feeling" before you touch the wall. Yes, the feeling of falling. It's a really interesting thing to play with. Again, memories of climbing--I was always interested in the falling feeling, how it is something humans are fascinated with (roller coasters, climbing, skydiving), even as we are programmed to resist it (babies have a reflex that kicks in if they feel they are falling). So very cool to surrender to a physical law (gravity) even as our biology resists it. I guess it's just a matter of how we surrender--with a graceful dropback, or by falling on our heads ;-) Thanks, Chris, for your very funny comment. I'm sure I'll find myself in the same situation, sooner or later.

So today's lesson, I suppose, is that I am finally learning what the phrase "listen to your body" means. After keeping a daily practice for the past seven months, I am aware of when my body feels strong and energetic, and when it feels tired after five or six consecutive days of practice, etc. And today I knew I felt sick, and that the energy wasn't going to kick in if I just made the effort. If I really was good at listening to my body, I would have known not to get out of bed when the alarm went off. Not quite there, yet, but getting closer. I don't like learning the lesson this way, though. I'd rather be in the yoga room, courting disaster-by-gravity.

Freedom

A buddha is someone who finds freedom in good fortune and bad. Such is his power that karma can't hold him. No matter what kind of karma, a buddha transforms it.

--Bodhidharma

Maybe it's not a good sign that I am sending notes like this to my work email, so I can be reminded when I get there. Nah, it's fine. I have to find freedom, and I suppose work is as good an experimental ground as any. There seems to be a chance for lots of change at work, organizational change--and as is always the case, when there is a groundswell of energy for change, there is also the drag of inertia. Personally, I love change--but I have to keep my frustration at the resulting inertia in check. And even more so, perhaps I can find freedom in all of the drama.

Practice was so-so this morning. I had a heck of a time waking up, and when I finally did, I was greeted by a stuffed up head. A cold coming on, I figured. But maybe not. Last night a bunch of us met up at Volleyball Guy's to paint the practice room. Returning Guy, The Other Dave, Chanting Man, Sanskrit Scholar, The British Director, The Contestant and I all taped up the edges and rolled out paper on the floor and set to work. It was Returning Guy, up on a ladder painting the ceiling, who first mentioned how strong the fumes were. Yeah, okay--we had tons of energy and terrific community, but not quite enough ventilation ;-)

My Gift joined me for practice and I muddled through, pausing to sniffle and scatter Kleenex near my mat. She did well: the suryas, all of standing, and even a couple of the seated poses (through ardha baddha padma paschimottanasana). Nice work. When she finished her savasana, I commandeered the Manduka. Ahhhhhhhh. I have to get at least one more Manduka. I always have My Gift use it when she practices, because she has joint issues. But I like it, because...well, I could say because I have a bony spine and hips and knees, but it's mostly just because the darn thing rocks! The Cop could certainly use one of the extra long mats. He's quite tall, so he's always off one end of the mat or the other. Plus I guess he's rather a thrasher--because his mat is all over the place when he practices. One of the long Mandukas would be heavy enough to solve that problem. I have a basket full of mats, but they're all regular mats, and we have the stone floors. Okay, I think I've made my case for a new Manduka. Time to move on ;-)

Practice was painful today. My subclavius muscles are killing again, thanks to supta kurmasana. Which is coming along nicely, but starting to feel Pavlovian: when I know it's coming up, I feel driven to cry or run from the room. It just always hurts, when I rotate my shoulders for the bind. Another arnica week, I guess--and ibuprofen.

Walking down the wall after I do urdhva dhanurasana is adding some fun to my practice. I did five urdhva Ds and then the wall three times. I am amused, I guess, by the kind of scary feeling of dropping back to grab the wall. No matter how many times I do it, I always feel like I'm going to miss. So that will keep me going for a while. It's a heck of alot more fun than just doing urdhva dhanurasana. Kind of a treat I get for being good and doing my backbends.

Okay, time to get ready for work--where there is good fortune and bad, and the opportunity to find freedom.

Climbing the Walls

Practiced this morning with The Cop. He has today off, so I took the day off, too. Otherwise our schedules keep us apart too much. So we slept in, had coffee, then hit the mats.

The Cop is doing really well with Ashtanga. He follows along by watching and by listening to my breath, and he doesn't whine ;-) We zipped right through half primary, then he came along for the ride from bhujapidasana to baddha konasana. Woohoo!

Interestingly, he gets claustrophobic in kurmasana. I know Volleyball Guy always reminds us to keep our eyes open in kurmasana, and talks about how it can be claustrophobic. I've never felt that, but apparently both Volleyball Guy and The Cop do.

The great thing about having a practice partner (aside from just the pleasure of company during practice) is the help you can get in backbends. We both helped each other with a strap under the upper back during urdhva dhanurasana. And then I asked The Cop to help me understand dropping back against the wall.

At led class on Saturday, The British Director and I talked about dropping back against the wall. I was a little leery, because the rooms in the Starbucks of Yoga studio are round, so the walls are curved and it is very hard to understand your body's relationship to the room. Plus the walls are painted white, and the lighting is low. It all added up to an environment that was too hard for me to understand, visually and kinesthetically. Plus the happy chaos of the dropback section of class was occurring, so I didn't want to tie up The British Director for too long.

This morning, though, I explained what I wanted to do and asked The Cop to spot me until I could understand what I was doing. He's a great spotter--due to years at the gym, no doubt. When you spot someone lifting weights, you only offer just enough assistance that the person can manage the lift on their own. Essentially, you make sure they're safe and then keep backing off with your assistance as much as possible while still allowing them to be successful.

Now I know where to put my toes so that I'll be far enough away from the wall to drop back, but not too far away. I definitely was concerned about trying to drop back and being too far away and just missing the wall entirely. LOL! It's a pretty hilarious scene to imagine, but not really fun to enact, I'm sure.

Saturday led

Nice to go practice in a crowd! Sanskrit Scholar was teaching this morning. And we had a visitor from The Stern One's shala. I was terribly curious about her practice, of course, but drishti thwarted any notion I might have had about checking it out.

The great thing about Saturday led is the sangha aspect. Sanskrit Scholar mentioned this a few times as we went along.

I've been away from Saturday led for a number of weeks, and I actually felt nervous in a couple of spots. Notably, when Sanskrit Scholar asked me to count one of the Surya Bs. I tried to run through my memory bank and check to see if I remembered the Sanskrit numbers through 18--but then I just decided to wing it. Worked out just fine--though I could feel the tension in my body after I finished counting. I also felt nervous on the eka pada bakasana exit from virabhadrasana. Not sure why, exactly--but somehow it's easier to practice that move at home.

What I really went to class for, aside from the company, is the dropbacks. Sanskrit Scholar usually has us do seven urdhva dhanurasanas, and today was no different. My backbends, as has been discussed ad nauseum, stink. I have been fiddling with them, so I am building up a little stamina, and also finding slightly better alignment through my knees and hips, and through my shoulders. The sad news is that this is only going to be resolved through patience and hard work and repetition. Darn, I was so hoping there was some secret to perfect backbends that I might discover--perhaps on ezboard--thereby solving my whole backbend problem. Um, guess not ;-) The British Director, perhaps in an attempt to knock some sense into me, smacked me down on my head during the dropback preparations. Luckily I brought the Manduka with me today. Perhaps I also need a helmet. Coming back up from the dropbacks (with an assist--don't get any ideas about me coming back up on my own) was smooth and The British Director said it felt light. Still I have the impression that the way I'm going to have to use my quads to come up out of backbends is somehow "backwards" from how I use them in, say, squats. It's gonna take a while to work through all my dedicated years of weightlifting. Sigh.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, family yoga proceeds. Yesterday, My Gift skipped morning practice and said she would practice after school. Sure enough, when I got home from work she reported that she'd done the standing poses, using David Swenson's book as a prompt. This morning she came out and got on the mat first thing after waking up (at noon). She had her iPod mini with her, because she's already made a yoga mix for when she practices alone. She cracks me up. There is no need for me to teach her about yoga crim behavior. She'll hear about that some other day. In the meantime, I am happy she is enjoying her practice.

Quiet morning

Today The Cop had an early shift. I would have been game for starting practice at 3:30 AM, but he's not quite that hooked yet ;-) So I got up at 4:30 with him and had some coffee. My Gift appeared at 5:00 and asked if it would be bad if she practiced after school. Of course not. I feel for her. She wants to establish a routine, but it's hard when you're a teenager, to wake early. I remember trying to establish routines when I was her age, and it was very hard. In fact, it seemed impossible. I will help her where I can, but she's going to have to find her own way. Needless to say, her transition to college dorm life will likely mean that a daily routine is not on the menu. But we'll see.

So I had an alone practice. There are transformations taking place, as a result of practice, but I am not sure how to describe, or even understand, them. Some kind of physical, structural change, but also some kind of literacy that happens at the place where physical and not-physical meet. It's like grasping at a dream, trying to explain this. Often people say they cannot remember their practice, and I think it has something to do with this mode of awareness. It's quite absorbing.

On the gross physical level, the components in transition ;-) seem to be hip flexors, knees and subclavius. No problems, really--these are just the current stress points in the system. I wondered a bit if knees actually have the potential to transform, or if they are only given to gradations of stability/instability. Guess I'll find out eventually...

During finishing poses I had the feeling I've been having rather often lately: are these poses really necessary? I know, it's heresy. And no doubt it has something to do with how much I dislike shoulderstand (seriously, I hate it). Pretty much from shoulderstand to uttana padasana, I'm on autopilot. Headstand through savasana, though, is great. I wish I had some insight into this. Maybe I'm just not sensitive enough yet to "get" these poses. In my email to Volleyball Guy this morning, I mentioned that I want to talk about the finishing poses when he gets back.

In savasana, I found myself thinking about the people who died in the mudslide in the Philippines. There's a saying, along the lines of: "The ten thousand things return to the one." To illustrate the fact that all individual forms arise out of the creative force of the universe, and then are returned to it. I find this strangely comforting, particularly in instances where people die suddenly, in the midst of just another day.

The family that practices together...

This morning I thought about Olaf and his girlfriend (wife? I'm not sure). Anyhow, I thought about this movie clip: http://www.nilaf.com/movies/bendy2.mov

Why did I think about it? Well, because I was practicing with The Cop. Yup, he came back for more. It is an interesting thing, to try to teach him the practice. There's just so much to learn when someone first starts: the sequence of poses, the poses themselves, the breath, bandhas. And that doesn't even factor in any sort of finesse. The Cop has good body mechanics, so I can leave all of that alone. The practice will sort him out. My best bet is to stay out of his way, avoid talking too much, and just let him motivate himself in the direction he should go. It is really eye-opening, though, to realize how much I've learned from Volleyball Guy without him ever saying a word.

There is something just delightful in having a practice partner. I thought of Mysore at Volleyball Guy's and started to tell The Cop about how nice it feels to have someone doing the same practice at the same time, but at their own pace and their own level, right next to you, and in silence. And it occurred to me that his interest in the practice means that this is a time when I need to share my attention with him. If he decides he likes it, the day will come when he can hold his own and we can just practice together. And who knows, perhaps he will have his own blog. I'll have to start reporting things about his practice that are not quite accurate. That should motivate him to set the record straight ;-)

Thinking about the attention I keep for myself and the attention I share made me really grateful for my teachers--I know I went to classes where they probably had students who were all self-sufficient, and then there I was, the new kid, clueless. Never did I feel unwelcome, or like I was holding things up. Same thing with zen practice. It's a rare thing in this world that you can find a practice so compelling that its practitioners always want to share, even if it means taking their attention away from their own practice.

I definitely rate myself as a highly selfish person. I focus on what I am doing, and it is not really my nature to include others. I'm not saying that's good or bad--it's just my nature. Somehow, though, zen and Ashtanga have managed to put me in a space where I can really want to share, where I can appreciate how sweet that is.

This whole family yoga thing is a big surprise to me. It kind of came out of nowhere. But it was totally cool to practice with My Gift and The Cop this morning, and then all of us chat a bit and then sit down to breakfast. It's so simple, and yet it seems strangely miraculous.

I couldn't have planned it if I'd tried.

Perplexing realities

Practice this morning was nice and warm. The heater was on, as usual, and My Gift got up a little late, after going out last night for a Valentine's dinner with The Frenchman. By the time she was ready to practice, I was finishing padahastasana. I figured it was was easiest just to start from the beginning with My Gift, which is what I did.

She did the suryas and called it a day. They were good suryas, though--I notice that I am particularly mindful when I do them with her. She has (and has always had, every since she was a baby) a very still, calm kind of energy. I always think of her as an earthy, kapha kind of person. I am much more manic than she, much more inclined to overexert.

Anyhow, I am always both pleased and perplexed by her ability to let things be. Late night? Just do the suryas and get on with the day. That makes perfect sense to her. Me? Um, the first time I did primary, I struggled through the whole darn thing. The Cop, too. We have very forceful energy. First series? How long will it take me to master this? Hey, what's second series? I wonder if I can do that. And what's in third?

I have to remember to let My Gift approach this however she likes. My downfall is expecting other people to think/act/feel like I do. And I come from a family where it was normal to expect everyone in your family to share your feelings on everything. As if we were all supposed to be the same, because we were related by blood.

Anyhow, practice was good today. The left knee reminds me that it is a little overstretched in the LCL, but that's about it, issue-wise. I decided to just use the Manduka and skip the rug (which I usually put down for seated poses). It was an interesting experience. The stickiness of the mat made me have to jump through more carefully, since I couldn't play off the slip 'n slide factor. And the stickiness offered some nice resistance as I moved into down dog each time--an opportunity to do a little core work.

I'm getting both arms through regularly on garbha p. Usually can only bend one, though--for some reason, trying to bend the second arm is the limit of the pressure my calves are willing to accept. So I sit there, kind of pathetically marooned for five breaths, then I free my arms and do the rolling. I'll get Volleyball Guy to clue me in on how I am supposed to progress when he gets back from Manila.

And backbends are...well, sorta better. I think. Maybe ;-) Or probably not. I had the brilliant idea to put a strap around my legs to hold them parallel when I go up. Works like a charm, in the sense that I can get a clue as to the structure of the pose. The catch of course is that I have no kinesthetic awareness, somehow, when I am upside down and inside out. So I am hoping that pure repitition will teach my body something my mind simply can't seem to fathom. One thing of note: my left knee really hurts when I come down out of the backbends. I must twist my knee on the way down. Very weird, and I can't quite figure it out. How come everything makes perfect sense to me, physically, in handstands and pincha mayurasana and headstand, but I can't figure out where I am in space during backbends?

To The Cop

A moment of happiness,
you and I sitting on the verandah,
apparently two, but one in soul, you and I.

We feel the flowing water of life here,
you and I, with the garden's beauty
and the birds singing.

The stars will be watching us,
and we will show them
what it is to be a thin crescent moon.

You and I unselfed, will be together,
indifferent to idle speculation, you and I.

The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar
as we laugh together, you and I.

In one form upon this earth,
and in another form in a timeless sweet land.

- Rumi


Happy Valentine's Day, D.

Monday, not Moon Day

Well, to anyone who thinks today is a Moon Day (because of bad info I provided in yesterday's entry): sorry. I had that written in my calendar--whether I had a bad source, or whether I just transcribed the info incorrectly, I have no idea.

So it was back to practice this morning. I got up and got through standing, at which point My Gift was ready to begin. I had this crazy idea that I would talk her through the suryas and standing as I did the seated poses. Yeah, um, no. Not gonna happen. Try it sometime: do your seated poses, while explaining and counting inhales and exhales for someone doing suryas and standing. It's pretty daunting. And I mean daunting as in impossible.

So I hopped up and did the suryas with her, and bits and pieces of standing, to remind her where she was. Tomorrow, we will both start at the same time and then when we finish standing poses, I'll go on with the rest of my practice. I can just be a little late getting to work. Luckily, I can set my own schedule there. And "I was doing yoga" is, for some reason, a perfectly acceptable explanation for my boss.

Ashtanga with My Gift is a very strong experience for me. I know I've written that the hardest thing for me to contemplate, when I do "the zen thing" (as my Mom would characterize it ;-) is to confront the fleeting nature of those I love. Over the past year, we've dealt with My Gift's lupus diagnosis and resulting health challenges, and been faced, intensely, with the fact that we don't know what the future will bring. To practice with her feels like a great...well, gift. Especially since in just a few months she'll be moving out and going to college. Off to her own life, where I can't monitor her health every day. Scary. But also necessary. I guess all of this is totally normal Mom stuff. But it feels more intense, as we practice together.

Here's a picture from yesterday. First visitors to the new bird feeder. Sorry about the washed out color: I had to take it through the window, because they were shy. Happy Monday.

Converging forces

Lots of days off. Saturday (weekly day off), today (ladies holiday), and tomorrow (Moon Day). Kind of like being in Mysore, where there seem to be many days off. Gee, was it just Friday that I was saying I felt tired and wrung out? And now three days off. I feel like I can really put them to good use, recovering. My shoulder was sore last night. Not horribly, but enough for me to remind myself that I have to be more mindful in my vinyasas.

The introduction of Ashtanga to My Gift goes along nicely. Yesterday was a day off for me, but she did all of the standing poses. Nicely, too. It is very interesting to think of someone starting the practice as such a clean slate. When I came to Ashtanga, it was after many years of other activities, so I could think about what I was doing in relation to other practices (Hmmm, this is easier than heavy squats, but harder than regular cardio, but safer than climbing; though, I suppose I could fall on my head in handstands, but it'll only be from a foot or so off the ground, so I'll most likely not die...).

My Gift, on the other hand, took dance lessons for a number of years, and ran track for a couple of years, and took riding lessons for a long while. Still, she has yet to draw any parallels to her yoga practice. Perhaps she never will. She is less apt to over-think things than I am.

So I watch her work her way through the suryas and the standing poses, and I wonder if she will practice them until they become second nature to her, and if she will grow curious about what poses come next, and about how to work further into each pose, etc. It is so hard to say what brings someone to practice.

I think at this point she simply wants to follow her rheumatologist's advice to stretch more. And she also wants to feel stronger, to look sleeker (I was trying to gauge how much of her desire to practice might be motivated by wanting to slim down--I'm always worried about the compulsive gene that runs through our family and makes us think we are overweight, even when we have very little body fat--and her reponse was "I know I'm not fat, Mom. We're just talking about a couple of vanity pounds!" She cracks me up, when she sees through my fears and assumptions and just states her case :-)

I know I have absolutely no business teaching anyone Ashtanga, so all I can hope is that she takes from this what she needs to move along to the next step--whether it be a real teacher, a different form of yoga, or an entirely other answer that will put her a step closer to whatever practice will help her feel healthy and connected. Same thing with The Cop.

For now I am simply trying to answer the zen question: What do you do when a hungry person comes to you?

Gifts

Practice this morning was not as subtle as I might have wished (understatement). It was fine, but I think I just get tired at the end of a practice week. Last week I took Saturday off, instead of my usual Sunday. Which means today is my sixth day. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my energy and focus isn't as strong as on Monday or Tuesday.

My right shoulder has a little twinge and click in jumpthroughs. No doubt from being thoughtless as I lower into chaturanga. I like the way it feels to kind of "fall" into chaturanga, and then stop myself with a little opposing muscular force at the bottom. Versus a smoother, more controlled movement. When I was climbing alot, I had to consciously avoid using too much momentum and making too many "dynamic" moves--essentially, you sort of "launch" yourself into space between holds, versus just climbing smoothly. I don't know why, but I like that flying feeling, when you are zipping through space for a moment or two, followed by the inevitable pull of gravity. Anyhow, I need to think about my joints a little more and not just entertain myself with physical laws ;-)

My focus finally kicked in properly at kurmasana, supta k, bhujapidasana and garbha pindasana. I heard My Gift getting up then, so I did a few horrible (seriously, they are rather alarming) urdhva dhanurasanas, and a quick closing sequence. At which point, My Gift was ready to practice. So we did three Surya As, three Bs, and standing poses up to UHP. Then the last three finishing poses. I don't want to overwhelm her, and I think our little routine today felt do-able to her, and challenging. When she feels it's too easy, we will go on a bit.

It was lovely practicing with My Gift. I felt what Volleyball Guy must feel around his students. There are places where you make a suggestion, and (many) places where you just shut up and let the student make their way. Being a teacher, I guess, is about being sensitive and judicious. A big responsibility. And a great deal of love fuels it. Not love as we've been taught to imagine it, but love in a really essential form. I can't explain it.

The Cop had an early shift and couldn't practice with me. But when he came into the yoga room to kiss me goodbye, it was as if he belonged in there more than he did before our practice yesterday. Now the room is his, too. I like that.

I don't know if I will go to led class with The Strongman tomorrow, or take the day off. Maybe Saturday is my new day off? Sunday is a Moon Day. I guess I'll play this all by ear. It's been a long week at work, and I am too worn out to be sensitive to what I'm feeling. Gosh, I'm happy it's Friday!

Family time

A day or so ago, The Cop mentioned he'd like to try Ashtanga. Last night he said he'd like to practice with me this morning, and asked what teaching method I would use (such a smart ass). I told him I'd just start him like anyone coming to a Mysore class. Then I wondered if he'd really get up with me at 5 AM, since today is his day off.

Sure enough, he did. It was funny for me to set up three mats in the yoga room (lucky I hoard mats). My Gift was also due to put in some time on the mat, though not necessarily Ashtanga. She has been having some problems with sore joints, so yesterday I took her to my old Anusara teacher, who also does lots of therapeutic yoga. He worked with her for about an hour and gave her a brief routine to try out. As I watched, though, I thought about how starting her off with suryas and the standing poses would probably be just as healing. For the time being, she is going to follow his routine. But she will do suryas with me (and The Cop) and then I will also slowly teach her the standing sequence, and she can throw in the routine from her therapeutic session when she feels like she needs it.

So, a very busy yoga morning. Usually I am up by myself, practicing in the almost-dark. It was nice having company. The Cop did a full half-primary with me. He is very athletic, with a good background in martial arts, plus lots of strength training and cardio, so it wasn't like he was going to get tired from practice. The challenge will simply be to keep his ambitions in check, gain some flexibility and balance, and then learn to just enjoy it. Once he is a little comfortable, he can take a led class, and if he really starts to like it, I'll bring him to Mysore at Volleyball Guy's.

Yoga has always been my thing. I had been feeling a little guilty about commandeering a room in the new house just for yoga. So today's family time in the yoga room was quite nice. And challenging, from a meditation perspective. When I meditate, I always feel quite connected to how all is one, and my "me" is an illusion. The hardest thing, over the years, has been for me to contemplate that the individual manifestations that are the people I love are also illusions. I love harboring that illusion! I'm very attached to it, and it is very hard to work through. I had pretty much figured I needed to leave that awareness in the back of my mind, because I wasn't up for really seeing it through. Perhaps that is why we were all there today. Karma brought us all together as a family, and I suppose it makes sense that we all have some issues to work out together. I just always thought that the fascination with cosmic issues was my little idiosyncracy, my weird obsession--meant for me to work on over the course of this lifetime--but apparently The Cop and My Gift are in on this, too. Duh. It seems so obvious now. How could they not be?

Namaste from Far Away

That's how Volleyball Guy signed off on his email this morning: Namaste from far away. Cracks me up.

This morning was practice at Sanskrit Scholar's fitness center. The Beautiful One also attended. We sat in my car, away from the Arizona cold ;-) waiting to see if The British Director was going to show up. Sanskrit Scholar announced she'd brought a copy of Sharath's CD, and if we wanted, we could do a led class. We all agreed, gave up on waiting for The British Director, and went into the fitness center.

It's funny, the TV in the cardio room, blasting the morning news, actually seems endearing to me now. Amazing how a few good experiences in an environment make you attached to it.

We set up the heater, put Sharath on the CD player, and off we went. The practice was, as anyone who has used this CD knows, fast. I really love the tempo--it makes me feel less bad about how quickly I generally move through the series. Um, except for kurmasana/supta kurmasana. Sharath tears through those, and I need some time to get into the poses. Oh well.

And the urdhva dhanurasanas? Forget about it! Three in a row--with one breath in between. Yikes! My nervous system was on overload. I already feel rather anxious about the pose, so the pace just ratchets the stress up like crazy. Though on the up side, you move through it so fast that there's no time for much negative internal monolog. That can only be healthy.

I'll be interested to see how my energy feels today, after the quick, light practice (I think of it as light because I can't really dig into any of the poses). Definitely don't mean to suggest it isn't challenging.

In padmasana, I saw a brilliant yellow aura around my mat. Way cool. No idea what it might mean. I have a friend at work who can see auras and I am always very envious of the gift. So while I can not see people auras, apparently I can see mat auras ;-)

And arnica. What can I say about arnica, except Thank you, Jody and Susan, for suggesting it. I used some last night before bed, and had a nice coating just before practice, and my shoulders definitely feel relief.

Achey Breaky Part

Hmmmm, so is this how Ashtanga works? You wake up so sore that all you can possibly do is practice, to try to warm up and work through the pain? Well, that's what kept me going today. That, and the engaged feet/uddiyana bandha experiment that's been so enjoyable.

I got up and had my coffee and surfed the web, as per usual morning ritual, all the while kind of scooching my shoulders around to relieve some of the ache. Okay, I guess between supta kurmasana, the marichy binds and getting back to backbends, I am having some kind of breakthrough with my shoulders. It is not terribly painful, exactly, but more achey and restless and discombobulated. As if the way they usually settle isn't quite right anymore. I think I should be happy about this. After all, it's what I was working toward. Um...why was that again, that I decided my shoulders needed to be revised?

Nice home practice. Lit some incense and candles, turned on the heater. Lovely transition from darkness to dawn light, the birds starting to chirp, the cat pacing the window pane, watching them.

Left knee is still a little off. Mostly just needs patience and a bit of babying. UHP is weirdly difficult, but there's nothing to be done about that except to wait it out. Garbha pindasana hurts like a mother.

The whole uddiyana experiment is a pleasure. Just going back to it over and over. Some poses, it is so easy to find (prasarita A and D) and some, it's so hard (prasarita B). Looking for it, though, makes for interesting information from each individual posture. Very cool.

For breakfast today: yogurt, cereal, and a big dose of ibuprofen!

***Yawn***

Ouch, hard to get up this morning. I spent the day yesterday pruning fruit trees, something I've never done before. Poor trees. Actually, they look really happy this morning, released from the weight of all the heavy branches they were carrying.

As I was sawing through boughs over my head, I realized that I was assessing the situation rather like a climbing situation: I had made my commitment, so I had to see it through, and I had to assess how gravity was going to make something fall, gauge its trajectory, and try to keep from getting hurt. Nice to have the falling thing be a bough, instead of my body. Lower stakes. But an interesting brain teaser regarding gravity and the forces generated by falling objects.

Anyhow, I think my day out in nature (i.e., the backyard) may have made me kind of allergic. I was groggy this morning and sniffly. Went over to meet Sanskrit Scholar and The British Director at the fitness center. And yes, I brought the heater.

Nice practice--not as light as yesterday, but oh well. Sanskrit Scholar adjusted me in down dog and did this thing to get me to release my shoulders--um, not that they ever release--but to get me to imagine such a possibility. I have to move my idea of where my strength comes from away from my shoulders and into my legs. Not sure how to accomplish that, but it's a goal.

Skipped handstands and went with lolasana. Maybe less handstand practice will help the backbends? Someone on ezboard made that suggestion a while back.

Sanskrit Scholar then asked me to stand on her thighs during baddha konasana. Alrighty, then. It was kind of scary, needless to say--seemed like the sort of thing that could result in injury with one false move, but it worked out fine. I think it'll be a long time before I ask someone to stand on my thighs in that pose, though.

My lower back seems to be going through some...well, I don't really know what it is. I've been through the sacrum opening stuff, which was scary at first--but this is different--higher up on my back--right around the back of my waist and a little lower. I know I have to extend more through my back, particularly on twists, and I think there is some fear attached to this sort of movement for me. All those years of squats makes me comfortable keeping my back compressed and straight and then there's the valsalva maneuver, which really was (and is) second nature to me, and which my brain accepted as the way to keep my body healthy when lifting a lot. It makes kind of exactly the opposite effect of uddiyana bandha, I think... So letting go of that pressure, that method of stabilizing myself, is rather frightening. But exciting, too. Like all physical pursuits.

Oops, the pool guy is here to teach me and The Cop how to maintain the pool...

Keeping the Faith

"Keep the faith," Volleyball Guy said in his most recent email. He said the beaches are great, massage is cheap and he's even been playing some volleyball. And while he vacations, his students get some practice in keeping the faith.

I tried to get to Saturday led yesterday--for a couple of reasons: 1) it was being taught by Volleyball Guy's son, The Strongman, and it'd be good to support his teaching, and 2) it is a very social class, so I would be able to see Returning Guy and The Other Dave and Bikram Teacher and The Contestant. But I misjudged the commute. The new house is about three miles east of my old house, and I figured it wouldn't take me very much longer to get to the studio.

What I didn't factor in was my route. Anyone who knows North Scottsdale knows not to try to travel west on Shea Boulevard in the late morning on a Saturday. Traffic like crazy. Enough to leave me sitting at an intersection a couple of miles short of the studio at the strike of 10, when class begins. Amazingly, I didn't feel frustrated. I decided to swing by Pier One and look at candles. Huh?! This is the sort of thing that would have really upset me not too long ago.

So yesterday was my day off, and today was home practice. A very sweet home practice, too. I got up at 4 AM with The Cop, who starts a new shift this week. Handy. We had coffee together before he left.

This morning I felt happy and centered from the very first surya. Every movement just felt really pleasurable. On Friday, The Beautiful One explained how to engage my feet more by kind of pulling up through my arches, and that was what I kept coming back to. That, and uddiyana bandha. So, stronger through the feet and lighter through the core. Interesting.

Instead of handstands, I did lolasana, and managed to roll up nicely. Hmmm, proper jumpbacks soon, I wonder? I got both arms all the way through in garbha pindasana. I tried to bend them, but that was a no go, so I figured, Why not try rolling up into kukkutasana? Managed to balance, but just for a couple of seconds, because...gosh, I don't even know exactly what it was that was hurting in the pose...it seems like I have really bony forearms and really sensitive calves, but I had to bail too quickly to really figure it out very well. Calf and forearm pain doesn't scare me like hamstring or knee pain, so I have no problem trying this over and over until it's resolved.

Lovely Sunday practice. Now laundry and errands, and then The Cop will be home and we can watch the Super Bowl!

Do the Dew

Yay for the teeny heater! I packed it up in a gym bag, and met Sanskrit Scholar and The Beautiful One at Sanskrit Scholar's workplace. What I'm finding is that drishti really makes you not care where you practice. In front of a mirror? No problem. In a corporate fitness center? Fine. Lots of strangers around? Okay.

Morning at the fitness center provides an interesting perspective on community. The simple act of three people pursuing the same goal via the same practice makes a kind of community in the midst of an alien environment. Quite fascinating.

And the mirrors aren't so bad. In fact, they make my handstands stronger, because when I use the wall for a (hopefully unnecessary) spot, I am aware that the mirrors seem to be attached to the wall somewhat tenuously. Not a good idea to sneak into a fitness space, heat it to boiling and then kick the mirrors off the walls. I mean, no one's ever specifically told me that, but it seems intuitively obvious that it wouldn't be courteous ;-)

Backbends are...well, quite honestly, they still stink. I'm using blocks and finally have the pelvis tilt working to my advantage, but seriously, I don't think I'll ever get my arms straight. We all chatted about it this morning: Sanskrit Scholar was an aerobics instructor for years, and I was a gym rat. Now we get to reap the disadvantages of years of discipline as we tightened our chest and shoulder muscles with push-ups and weight lifting. Way to go!!

It is fun practicing with the gals. A different kind of feeling. I kind of hate to say it, but I guess it's more "girlie." The conversation is still limited during practice, but afterwards, we tend to talk a bit. I've learned more about them personally in two days than in the previous 7 months.

Volleyball Guy is visiting significant World War II spots, apparently. He is a history buff. And he noted, in this morning's message, that there are 7-Elevens all over the place. He has a 7-Eleven problem that revolves around large doses of Mountain Dew. Soon the 7-Eleven clerks in the Philippines will know him by name, much as the clerks in Scottsdale do.

Energy and Art

Wow, it seems like such a long time ago that I practiced! Waiting until late afternoon to blog really dims some of the details. Which may be a benefit to blog readers everywhere...

Home practice this morning. Another email from Volleyball Guy in Manila. A few sentences. I think it's funny that he's sending his students individual emails (versus a mass mailing) and everyone gets a couple of sentences about his experience. It reminds me of him at practice. He doles out an adjustment to one person then moves on to the next. A snippet of energy here and then a snippet of energy there.

Practice this morning was pretty good. The left knee is a little sore, but not too bad. Handstands were a little heavy. I got The Cop to adjust me in supta kurmasana. His first supta k adjustment. I'm so proud ;-) He did well.

Garbha pindasana was amusing, as always. Got both arms more than halfway, waited there a bit, then tried one arm through all the way and then bent the arm (using my other arm) to try to get it near my face. Gosh, it looks like such a silly, simple pose. But, as it turns out, it is not. Still, though, I can't quite tell what it's trying to teach me. Maybe this one is about humor.

Great news this afternoon. When I was working on the new book, I often looked at work by the artist Kiki Smith. When my publisher asked if I had any ideas for what I'd like on the cover, I immediately thought of an image of her work that I love: http://www.guggenheimcollection.org/site/date_work_lg_146D_1.html. In kind of a crazy gesture, I wrote to her gallery, asking them to forward a request to use the image. Honestly, I wondered if I would ever hear back. I imagined I'd be viewed as a deranged poet stalker. And if I did hear back, I wondered what kind of fee would be charged. Today I had a note from the gallery's director, saying Kiki Smith has agreed to let me use the image, and the charge is that I send her one of my books. How much does that rock?

Okay, I am working from home this afternoon, so blogging has to be limited to a quick break. Tomorrow is Mysore at Sanskrit Scholar's fitness center. I am going to pack my teeny space heater in a gym bag, and we're gonna heat that place up!

Community

This morning had the potential to be a morning from hell. First off, no hot water. The Cop was experimenting with the water heater last night, and it didn't work out the way he expected. I tried to move My Gift's car out of the way so I could get out of the driveway, but it wouldn't start. The engine wouldn't turn over at all--just totally dead. I tried again. Nothing. Tried again. Nothing. Tried yet again. Why do I not believe the empirical evidence of dead mechanical things? Well, it's a good thing I don't, because it started finally. I have no idea why. My wishful thinking, perhaps. So a tough morning. Which started with an email from Volleyball Guy: he is in Manila, checking things out, then will head for the beaches. Okay, I'm happy for him, but there's something kinda sad about a note from your teacher halfway around the world when you are puttering around the house at 4:30 AM.

Have no fear! Sanskrit Scholar to the rescue! Sanskrit Scholar invited "the Mysorians" to practice at her work's fitness center. The catch: we have to go in through the ladies locker room. Hence, the guys can't join in. So this morning, The British Director, The Beautiful One and I huddled in the dark parking lot of Sanskrit Scholar's workplace and waited for her to show up with her card key.

Hmmmm, yoga in a corporate environment. Something I've never experienced. Perhaps I shouldn't have worn my bedroom slippers. Oh well. The four of us put our mats down in a nice (mirrored! yikes!) aerobics room, amid the weights and the Swiss balls and...hey, look! they have yoga mats and straps and blocks! Just outside the door, folks were on cardio machines, watching the morning news. We cranked up the heat in the aerobics room and set off.

Good news when I got to ardha baddha padmottanasana: my knee felt pretty much fine. Massive doses of ibuprofen really do work! I can still feel that it's tender, but this doesn't seem at all as serious as the right knee injury I had a few months back.

Now, everyone started at the same time this morning, but sure enough, I finished ahead of the pack. Sanskrit Scholar made a comment and I said I thought it was because I must breathe too fast. But she discounted that, and said she just thinks I have an efficient practice. She mentioned that sometimes she takes many breaths to get into a pose. I, on the other hand, just kind of go for it--perhaps this is a remnant from zazen practice. You pretty much know when you sit zazen that you're going to feel uncomfortable at some point in the sitting: you'll get a sore knee or realize you sat with your toe kind of weird or you get an itch or whatever. Part of the sitting is realizing that your mind is hyperconcerned with physical comfort and that that comfort is always fleeting. If you adjust to get more comfortable, you're just going to find something else that isn't comfortable--so you might as well let go of all of that and just sit. I take that to my yoga practice: I do my best to get into the pose with some integrity, and then I just let go and experience it. I assume it's not going to be perfect--and I'm usually just happy if I don't fall over ;-) Heck, I'll have a bazillion opportunities to practice these poses, over the course of years, so I don't need to get overly invested in any particular pose or progression.

Ah, but I do have a bit of a focus these days: backbends. Boy, do my backbends stink! I did three today, against the wall with blocks under my hands. And I've been doing three more before lunch (I go home for lunch, so this isn't quite as insane as if I were doing it at my desk), and three before dinner. I'm trying to make them seem routine and less daunting, and I always feel flexible when I am hungry.

Okay, enough for now. The Mysore community limps along without its teacher, I've invented a weird backbend routine, and the Mysorians are scheduled for 5:45 Friday morning in the corporate fitness center.