Dog eating dirt

Unfortunately, I did not have the camera handy to document the dog enjoying some delicious dirt from the jade plant pot I put on the patio, but I'm sure everyone can imagine. She had the same guilty face she gets when I catch her eating birdseed from the birdfeeder. Dog with pica. For some reason I find it incredibly funny.

The jade plant, a gift from my team, looks like it might be wrapping up its current incarnation and returning to the One. I like to think I had nothing to do with this, and that it is simply an old jade plant that is eager to be reincarnated as something else, but the statistical likelihood that all the plants I've ever owned are old and on the brink of death is rather...well, unlikely. So I'm a plant killer.

Led practice today. Volleyball Guy is away, so The British Director ran the show. And quite nicely. I practiced near Returning Guy and The Cat, so I was happy in my little spot. Returning Guy asked where I was yesterday and I launched into my "want to practice alone for the most part" story. He asked if he could make an observation, and went on to tell me that my practice is very focused and meditative, and then he theorized that the music in the shala might be throwing me off. I laughed and said it was more likely the fact that we had a moaner at Mysore on Wednesday. He told me an amusing story of a moaner at a Bikram class, who apparently rivalled Sally in "When Harry Met Sally."

"Well, it was happening around ustrasana," he said, quite kindly. "You know how backbends can really open your heart chakra."

I think I looked skeptical. Maybe it is a function of my clamped-shut heart chakra that I just wish people wouldn't moan profusely throughout practice? LOL! Who knows. I do realize that it is my problem, and that I just have to put it down. Still, when I see Sally enter the room, I do kind of feel a little irritated. Ah well.

Today we had no moaners. The British Director led us and we had a nice practice. Lots of new faces. Seems like someone's turned up the volume on the popularity of Ashtanga.

Volleyball Guy, and Volleyball Guy's students (e.g., The British Director) include the samakonasana/hanumanasana sequence after the prasaritas. I haven't been doing samakonasana or hanumansana lately, because they seem to irritate my hamstring. Well DUH! LOL! Tried them today, though, and it went just fine. I've noticed that if I do that sequence every day, my hamstrings get burnt, but if I just do it once a week in led class, I actually seem to make progress. I found the same thing with handstands today. I haven't been doing them for weeks (in hopes that my shoulders would loosen up), and today I gave one a try and stayed up easily for a good 15 breaths--my balance felt just right on. Maybe it's one of those "the harder you try, the worse it gets" kind of deals?

Before practice, I went to buy a couple of sweaters. I'm afraid of how cold it's going to be in Chicago for the next few days. I know, I'm a baby. I also found the cutest shoes on sale, and some black pants. Bought everything and hurried off to practice. Now that I'm home, I find that I have two left shoes and a pair of pants with the plastic sensor still attached. Alrighty, then. Guess my efficient shopping before class didn't work out quite as well as I had planned...

Remiss

Feel slightly remiss--decided to practice at home instead of heading over to Mysore practice. Not sure what the deal is, with all this self-practice.

Lately, though, self-practice has been very internal, very dreamy almost. A really interesting contrast of physical extension and psychic relaxation--almost a hypnagogic state. My breathing is much quieter at home.

This morning I thought a little, at the tail end of practice, about the idea of pushing energy OUT. I tend to bring it in, and kind of curl around it through my shoulder girdle and sacrum. In ubhaya padangusthasana I realized: there needs to be more external energy--balance and strength and a radiating energy. I tend to pull everything inward. Which is great for core strength, but needs to be balanced more by an opening OUT. Seems like the opening out is where the real joyousness of the pose resides.

Quickly... sinking... into... energy talk...
Must... knock it off ;-)

Okay, back to reality. Thank God it's Friday. Not much of a weekend, though. Off to Chicago on Sunday morning. For a four day class on managing new product design and development. Which starts on Sunday from 3-9 PM (egads!), then Monday and Tuesday 8:30 AM - 9 PM, and Wednesday 8:30 AM - 1 PM. I just got the pre-reading material yesterday: 150 pages of articles and a book. I'm looking forward to the program, but gee, I don't know if I can really stay awake in a classroom 'til 9 PM!

Sthira & sukha

Home practice this morning. Got some Krishna Das CDs to play in the background, and they rock.

So a quiet morning. A tough practice. Lots of thoughts--in part because I am headachey from allergies, and in part because my traps are tight as hell. Because of the jumpback initiative, perhaps. Because of work being really busy and rather stressful, maybe. So there were "maybe you should just go to navasana" thoughts, and "maybe don't do a vinyasa between sides" thoughts. Which I just ignored, because I don't want to start the habit of changing it up because my mind is busy.

The traps, though, really ARE like rocks. Too much sthira. As per usual. Sthira is definitely my habit--strong and active. But of course, since I am always rather extreme, my sthira comes at the expense of sukha--comfortable and light.

Seems like life is conspiring to push my "sthira" buttons. Work, My Gift moving away for college, and... LOL! Actually I guess that's about it, stressor-wise, but they are two omnipresent forces: work and My Gift. Between them and my tendency toward hypersthirativity (just made that up; don't try using it in any yoga lectures ;-) I'm kind of wound too tight these days.

Time for some sukhativity. Actually, the realigning of my hips/sacrum over the past year and (almost) half of Ashtanga has brought lots more sukha through that area. Sure, it hurts sometimes, but at least there is movement. The traps/shoulders, though...I don't know about that. I suppose it's inevitable that there be realignment there, too. Though primary series doesn't really seem to get at it directly. Unless I'm overlooking something?

Okay, so "joyful and soft" has to be the mantra for practice for a while. And life, too!

Since it's early and I have time to write, I'll share a Huang Po quote from my pre-practice reading:

Any SEARCH is doomed to failure. Some madman shrieking on the mountain-top, on hearing the echo far below, may go to seek it in the valley. But, oh, how vain his search! Once in the valley, he shrieks again and straightaway climbs to search among the peaks--why, he may spend a thousand rebirths or ten thousand aeons searching for the source of those sounds by following their echoes! How vainly will he breast the troubled waters of life and death! Far better that you make NO sound, for then there will be no echo--and thus it is with the dwellers in Nirvana! No listening, no knowing, no sound, no track, no trace--

And yes, I see the irony in posting this quote along with an entry about my SEARCH for sukha. I'm still shrieking in the valley. Slow learner.

Odds and ends

Mysore this morning. Practice felt good--I kept the mantra "strong & light" in mind, and as it turns out, practice worked out that way.

The stressed breathing that I was having a few weeks ago during the Marichy D through Supta Kurmasana sequence seems to be resolved. My only "sticking point" is Kurmasana. For some reason, once I get into the pose, it takes a number of breaths for my hamstrings to really relax so I can lift my heels. Residual fear, perhaps, from the time I cranked my feet up and hurt the insertion points. Can't blame the hamstrings for remembering that!

Garbha Pindasana is coming along. I can finally get my palms to my cheeks. Volleyball Guy adjusted me today, and it was cool to feel the pose as a flattening out (somewhat similar to Yoga Mudra in the action of the back). I love Yoga Mudra, so it was nice to find that feeling in Garbha Pindasana. Usually I just roll in place and don't go around in a circle, but today I gave the circle business a whirl. It was pretty pathetic, but whatever. There's a part of me that really does NOT want to roll in a circle. No idea why. Perhaps because it seems so ridiculous and undignified. LOL! Like the rest of my practice is dignified! I have no idea what my problem is on that. I just have to do it and get over myself.

The other place where I am taking extra breaths is Upavistha Konasana. After Baddha Konasana, my hips and back are so burnt that I just kind of creakily sink down into the pose, taking a bunch of breaths and being kind of surprised at my own...well, creakiness.

Speaking of Baddha Konasana. Today I decided that Baddha Konasana is, for me at least, the most painful pose to learn in the primary series. Oh yes, I remember my moaning about collarbones when I was learning Supta Kurmasana. And yes, I realize Baddha Konasana may seem more painful now, since it is what is currently hurting. But whatever. The darn thing is pretty intense.

As I've mentioned (often), I am not a natural when it comes to this pose. I started off about...oh, I don't know, maybe two feet away from the floor? Seriously far. Then I learned that if I turn my feet up and engage my quads and PUSH my feet against each other HARD, I can get further forward. So now it's a prop pose for me: a sandbag on each thigh, and then Volleyball Guy goes by and puts a couple of sandbags on my back. It takes about ten breaths, at this point, for me to get my head on the floor. Then I stick around for a few breaths, just to enjoy the searing pain.

Then I sit up straight and press my sandbagged thighs down even more, to increase the pain. Hahaha! When I write it out, the mania of my willfulness is both amusing and frightening. Seriously, though, this is the pose I most had to surrender to: I had to fully believe that I was going to break myself trying, decide to go ahead and break, and then find out that in fact I didn't break. So now I love it, even though it really still hurts. I'm not sure if I've drawn this analogy before (and vegetarians, read no further), but it's like when you roast a chicken. When it's cooked, you can rotate the legs in the joints quite easily. That's the only way I can make sense of Baddha Konasana. It's a pose that's cooking me like a chicken.

Jumpbacks are still on the menu. Looking pretty bad, I'm sure, but feeling more and more familiar. The side of my right foot is getting irritated from dragging on my mat. I suppose once it gets bad enough, it will teach me to curl more effectively. LOL! Lazy woman's guide to Ashtanga: let it hurt until you do it right ;-)

Sports specificity

Tuesday mornings are practice with The Cop. As per usual, we just proceed. I make, at most, two statements about form per practice session. This morning was the elbow/wrist form for chaturanga (he tends to have issues with his wrists, and I wanted to head that off at the pass), and an "inhale UP and exhale BACK" for jumpbacks. Beyond that, he just followed along. I could hear some ragged breathing, but he persisted. At the end, he mentioned that he felt tired, probably from all the mountain biking he's been doing since he bought a new bike last week.

It's hard to do Ashtanga once a week--harder than doing it six times a week. At least I can build some efficiencies in my practice. The Cop, on the other hand, is basically just starting over and over and over every time. I thought about how I'd fare on my mountain bike these days. I'm figuring I'd be sucking wind at about the ten minute mark.

The Cop wants me to ride with him, but I am averse to crashing. I guess because of climbing days, I only like to fall when I am tied in to a rope. Plus, desert crashes are entirely different from a nice grassy single-track crash. Desert crashes involve rocks and cacti. If you're lucky, maybe you just hit gravel. Plus, I am a huge baby about my hamstrings. I'm kind of ashamed, truth be told: "Oh, I can't do things like that! It'll tighten my hamstrings." Sigh. I've turned into that kind of person?

We used to go to the gym almost every night and lift and do cardio together. **Mushy love-moment memory** Then I got crazy into Ashtanga and he returned to martial arts and biking. I was tempted to go to martial arts with him, but then that seemed kind of weird. So here we are, trying to find a way to share some activities, but both pretty involved in what seem like mutually exclusive pursuits. Not to say I can't bike with him, just that I don't want to bike with him enough to tighten my hamstrings. Much like he practices with me on Tuesdays, but does not want to expend too much energy on yoga, because it makes more sense, in a sports-specific universe, to practice his biking. So I'll go biking occasionally, and he'll practice with me occasionally. And I will always be starting over with biking and he'll always be starting over with yoga.

I can fall over on beginner terrain and he can swear during bakasana.

Love. Sigh.

It's a bitch ;-)

Back

Back at Mysore practice this morning. Nice to see everyone. A great adjustment in supta kurmasana from Volleyball Guy. I'm not sure how it's happening, but slowly there seems to be more space in the pose.

Also a good adjustment in baddha konasana. A nice, strong pop in my sacrum. Most addictive pop in the series, at least for me.

Jumpbacks proceed. Addressing their quality seems silly at this point. I'm just happy to be persisting.

When walking, standing, sitting, lying down, speaking,
being silent, moving, being still

At all times, in all places,

Without interruption--what is this?

Community

Brunch with Sanskrit Scholar, Crim Girl, and...hmmmm, let's call her "Girl with a Red Mat." As in "Girl with a Pearl Earring," Girl with a Red Mat should be imagined in a Vermeerish light. Anyhow, brunch was good, with lots of laughter and Ashtanga talk. I asked Sanskrit Scholar about our responsibility to the community. Obviously, I was asking because I have been practicing on my own. She, gracious as always, preceded her response with a "Well, I can only speak for myself..."

Anyhow, there is a certain amount of business that must be generated by the Mysore practice in order for it to remain on the Starbucks of Yoga schedule. There are also details re: how the money goes to the studio and to Volleyball Guy. Suffice it to say, it is a good idea for me to practice there at least a couple of times a week. And so I shall.

The catch now is going to be finding a way to let folks know that my struggles with supta kurmasana--ugly, frantic and crazed as they may appear--should be allowed to proceed. Yup, everyone is so thoughtful that they want to intercede, to help me find some semblance of the pose. But I need to be left to flop around. Hahaha! I guess it's like asking people to let someone fall down a flight of stairs day after day. Yes, it's painful to watch, but it's the only way I'm going to learn.

Brunch was lovely, and now I'm home with The Cop, who is just getting up after working the night shift last night. He had to go "hands on" with someone last night--a drunk fellow, of course. I guess the guy got in a fight at a bar, decided to fight when The Cop tried to arrest him, and then even got into a fight with the guys at the jail.

Prohibition really starts to seem like a good idea, once you hear enough of The Cop's stories. Sigh. I think he should do commercials: "Crystal meth, breakfast of car thieves," "Bud Lite, beer of choice at 9 out of 10 domestic violence calls!"

10/20/06

Awake, caffeinated, and ready to begin practice, when (woohoo!) it's Ladies Holiday. No wonder I felt kind of unmotivated. So here I am, all dressed up and no place to go ;-) Definitely can't leave the house: today's wardrobe includes yet another camouflage shirt (I love camouflage print) with a plaid shirt over that, and a Nick Nolte mugshot hairdo.

The plaid shirt is out of My Gift's closet--one of the few items she left behind when she moved to her dorm. We bought it when she was in the eighth grade. I always loved it more than she did--it reminds me of high school days (long, long ago, when most of the Ashtangis on this board were probably not born yet) when we wore long bell bottoms that dragged on the ground and construction boots and big plaid flannel shirts. What can I say? We were hippies back then.

Okay, so no yoga today, and quite serendipitously, no yoga tomorrow. The organization has prospective faculty fly in for training twice a year, and the training takes place on Friday, with the "audition" on Saturday morning. Bleh, work on Saturday. Not only work, but work starting at 8AM. I was going to have to get up at my usual time to get a practice in beforehand. I don't mind getting up really early during the week, but it seemed rather sad to have to do it on a Saturday.

Speaking of work. I really try to bring my zen practice to work, which as one can imagine, isn't always easy--particularly in a corporate environment. It's especially challenging when things are tense and stressful. Which, in my experience, is almost always, in corporate environments. So I'm always practicing--and running into pretty much the same stuff I run into in Ashtanga practice: new situations (poses) that are hard to fathom, even impossible, and one tries to remain calm and unattached, focused but not willful--strong yet flexible. Appropriate to the situation. And of course sometimes it's just a huge disaster and all you can do is say, "Yeah, well, I'll be back tomorrow."

Were you now to practice keeping your minds motionless at all times, whether walking, standing, sitting or lying; concentrating entirely upon the goal of no thought-creation, no duality, no reliance on others and no attachments; just allowing all things to take their course the whole day long, as though you were too ill to bother; unknown to the world; innocent of any urge to be known or unknown to others; with your minds like blocks of stone that mend no holes--then all the Dharmas would penetrate your understanding through and through.

Oh, it all sounds so lovely. Actually it reminds me of a day after a migraine--when everything seems rather relaxed and slightly spacey and I don't have the energy to turn on my sense of being responsible for everything.

Honestly, not too long ago, I would have said that the mind Huang Po is talking about would be absolutely impossible in a corporate environment. Or at least, that my ability to reconcile the apparent incompatibilities was just not there. The practice has been slow, but like all practice, it is slowly manifesting its changes. If nothing else, I know that if I practice, all is coming.

So I guess I'll just get myself to work, and commence with the practicing.

Carry on

The jumpback initiative is adding a whole new dimension to practice. For one thing, I have to think a little bit to coordinate them, and it is very funny to have thoughts between poses. Usually I have thoughts during poses--followed by simple, thought-free vinyasas.

I think I came to the current "practice alone" period because I realized that I had to "listen in" more carefully than I can when there are other folks around. I was aware of the fact that my breathing was getting out of sorts around Marichy D, in anticipation of the kurmasana/supta kurmasana/garbha pindasana/baddha konasana sequence. My mind would get lots of static through that whole part of the practice. Not freak-out quality static, but just busy-ness, flightiness. As if it was trying to escape.

A good bit of it, I think, was residual fear from all the collarbone pain I used to feel in supta k. Plus a dose of frustration and striving around the "how the hell am I supposed to cross my feet?!" issue. Anyhow, all of that is calmed down now. The issues are not resolved, but they are also not setting my mind and breathing aswirl every morning.

So now it's funny to throw in the jumpback dealio. It may actually serve to pull my mind a little more off the poses; it may knock off some of the striving aspect. The actual jumpbacks themselves? Still pretty rickety. Feet touch the floor, momentum is used, my breathing is not smooth.

Huang Po, in my pre-practice reading, had some words of wisdom. They were striking before practice, and are even more so, now that I've practiced and written this entry:

Why this talk of attaining and not attaining? The matter is thus--by thinking of something you create an entity and by thinking of nothing you create another. Let such erroneous thinking perish utterly, and then nothing will remain for you to go seeking!

On the one hand, I could understand that Huang Po wants me to quit blogging ;-)

On the other hand, I can understand: now go to work. And tomorrow, practice again.

Second the motion

You know, I don't think I've ever posted twice in a day...or maybe I have once or twice. Can't remember. Regardless, I have to second Vanessa's recommendation of jms's post on white elephant or termite practice.

Rock on, jms.

Forward. Way forward.

Can I read something, have it make sense, and still not do it? Yup. I even made note of it in a blog entry: When doing jumpbacks, keep the gaze forward. Way forward.

Totally changes it up. You get this strange (and strangely delightful) little flex in between the shoulders once you kick back into chaturanga, when your gaze is so forward.

I didn't remember, though, to put it into practice until about half way through the seated poses. I am always amazed at how our habits cling to us. How I want to tuck my head as I go forward at the beginning of a jumpback. How easy it is to draw a parallel to how I want to tuck my head in all stressful situations. Just a little easier to recognize when the stressor is so evident ("Am I gonna slam my face on the floor?"). I default to strengthening myself through my traps in stressful situations (physical and mental), when I really should strengthen through the shoulders. It distributes the stress more gracefully. Perhaps that is why I enjoy the little flexy feeling between the shoulders at the end of the movement: it is strong but flexible. Not like tightening the traps, which just sort of freezes up the whole musculature. Ah well, enough psychoanalysis of musculature ;-)

My other little jumpback discovery was tested, too. My form, as I first starting attempting jumpbacks, included pulling my knees in really tight, with my ankles/shins crossed. Then I would isometrically pull my knees toward each other as much as possible. As it turns out, if I let my knees flop apart a little bit (though still keep them drawn close to the chest), they seem to get under me a little more easily. It feels like more momentum, more ease, and less hip flexor intensity. It seems counterintuitive--after all, the wider your knees are, the more difficult it should be to get them between the arms, but for some reason it seems to sort itself out and the arms aren't a problem.

Of course, this may just be a little idiosyncracy that works with my body type. I was explaining it to The Cop, who did not practice this morning, and he was slightly skeptical, given his long arms and legs. We'll see, though--I'm sure he'll be eager to try it out at his next practice.

Back to another day at work. Another "how long can I keep my yoga mind?" experiment ;-)

Same old

I was due in the office for a webconference at 7:30 this morning, so roused The Cop at 4:25. He was a sport about it--though he lay in bed until 4:35. I have no idea how people can just lie in bed like that: I jump right out of bed, or else I will fall back to sleep. No way I could just lie there, awake (or awakening) for ten minutes.

So we zipped through a nice practice. I had the space heater blasting (gosh, it's getting cold here in the desert ;-) and we just went along silently. Well, mostly silently. The Cop starts to mumble at utthita hasta padangusthasana, and then he curses pretty intensely through ardha baddha padmottanasana. That's it, though, for swearing during practice these days. He still likes a nice chest bump after savasana, though.

My practice was good. Nothing special to report. Well, a chance little discovery in jumpbacks, but it was at the very end, so I have to try it out tomorrow to see if it's really a helpful hint.

And then a very freaking long day at work. Sigh.

Ah well. The yoga room is lovely in the morning. Lucky, too, because I'll be seeing it again really soon :-)

A little guilty

I feel a little guilty when I decide to stay home and practice, rather than going to Mysore at Starbucks of Yoga. I realize: a) there are plenty of folks who would love to have an opportunity to practice Mysore with a good teacher, b) the folks I practice with are terrific people who have a strong investment in our community, c) Volleyball Guy gives quite selflessly to all of us, d) it's a good idea to contribute to the community of Ashtanga in general.

On the other hand, I feel a great pull to solitary practice. It's familiar--like zazen--a delicate, stabilizing force. I love when practice is divorced from "the yoga lifestyle" and is just a practice in a room with dim morning light. I've always admired the Dalai Lama and the monks who get up in the middle of the night to start their sitting--a sort of integrated biorhythm that is beyond thinking. No "shall I get up?" or "who'll be there?" or "ow, my hamstrings hurt"--just the practice. None of this is easier or more difficult according to where I practice, of course--that part is all in my mind. But it's something that is working in my subconscious at this point. Like a koan, I'll have a look at it and then leave it to its work. Eventually it'll come clear.

All that said, practice at home is an opportunity for adventures in style. I put on a polka dot top and black tights. Went into the livingroom and felt cold. Layered on a camouflage shirt that left the bottom of the polka dot top showing. Still cold. Added plaid pajama bottoms. Passed by a mirror and had to laugh at my get-up. It worked, though. Along with the space heater.

When I got to supta kurmasana, I grabbed a couple of vacuum cleaner belts (popular with Volleyball Guy and Sanskrit Scholar as aids when one is learning to bind). I have a couple left from when I was learning, and I decided to use one for supta k so I could get the hand bind without stretching my shoulders to the limit, figuring that with a little extra mobility I could try to get more happening with my hips/legs/feet. It was quite a thrashing about that took place. I usually go directly from kurmasana into supta k--from that position, my legs are high enough that I can grab my hands. But then, of course, I am "stuck" in the upper body if I want to hold the bind--and then there is little I can do with my legs.

I got the hand bind without the ring (just to practice it quickly), then let go and tried pushing my legs higher up on my shoulders--with my right hand pushing the right calf, then the left hand pushing the left calf. Quite an ugly self-adjustment, I'm sure. It occurred to me that if I were at the shala, someone would have hurried over to help by now. But wait! I'm not done ruining this pose! ;-) Oh no, not by a long shot. At this point, with my hands up at my ankles, I have to rotate my shoulders back for the hand bind. Of course, the flopping makes my feet fall to the floor. I shift my shoulders again and get underneath as much as possible, then go ahead and cross my feet on the floor. More cross than I can usually manage. And then I grab the vaccuum cleaner ring for the hand bind and call it good.

Despite the ugliness, I consider this a rather successful attempt. At the very least, I am beginning to explore how the whole thing works, even if I am kinesthetically clueless. Eventually, something will start to click and I will feel what I'm supposed to be trying to do.

In the spirit of using props, when I got to urdhva dhanurasana, I did the usual three, then broke out my climbing harness. Yup. And a carabiner and a daisy chain. Hooked myself into the higher ropes on the wall, and did some hanging-back pre-dropback practice. On the one hand, I feel like a wimp: I know folks do the hanging back stuff without props. On the other hand: I have ropes on the wall and a harness that's gathering dust. I can use them to spot me. Plus it's fun. At the end, I walked my feet up the wall and stretched my arms back for a nice urdhva d with my upper body and legs parallel to the floor.

Lots of fun before 7AM ;-)

For some reason, I keep thinking of the end of the Diamond Sutra, so I'll end with that:

Thus shall ye think of all this fleeting world:
A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream;
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream.

Calm

I found Renaissance Man's blog today and read about myself. He characterized me as calm. This amused me, and reminded me of something my boss said recently. There is lots of stuff going on at work, and lots of changes, and often people get pretty revved up or emotional--so there've been a good number of stressful meetings and such. Anyhow, she said, "When things get tense, I always look over and see you calmly dunking your tea bag in your tea and looking relaxed."

So I asked The Cop if I am calm. "Yes," he said. "In fact, you'd probably make a very good cop if you could get past all that 'everyone is basically good' stuff."

It's interesting to read about oneself. I mean, I know I am even-tempered, but I guess, as a writer, I always feel like I am looking at others, that I am observing, and that somehow I, personally, am somewhat invisible--that I'm not giving off any particular quality.

And on the business pants for Ashtanginis front: Tim gave good advice in his comment. I didn't make it to Banana Republic, but I did go to one of that corporation's other stores: The Gap. I don't know if you've seen those Audrey Hepburn ads for "skinny pants," but I decided to check them out. Sure enough, they are actually quite nice material, come in subdued colors, and are machine washable. And they fit great. Shapely but not too tight. Woohoo!

Gap tops, though, are too casual for work. Next stop: Banana Republic. Where I will calmly shop :-)

Business clothes for Ashtanginis

My Gift is visiting from college this weekend. No Saturday led class for me. Instead, we will shop. Well, we'll shop after a trip to the beauty salon where My Gift has an appointment to get her eyelashes tinted. I'm going along to watch the child I love most in this world act like a little cosmetic tester bunny. If she's not blind at the end, we'll stop for smoothies and then head for the mall. Usually I hate shopping at the mall, but with My Gift out of the house, shopping adventures have come to a complete halt--so I've had enough time to recover and rejuvenate my will to consume.

She has a billion things she wants to buy (is it because Mom's debit card seems to magically materialize at every cash register? ;-) I, on the other hand, have a short list. And I'm turning to the Ashtanginis out there to ask for some suggestions. Business clothes. Bane of my existence. Necessary, though. Where do Ashtanginis buy their business clothes? Pants, specifically. I have a few parameters I need to work within: petite clothes (I'm 5'4"), small (size 2), NOT jeans cut (i.e., skintight), NOT polyester, NOT dry clean only, relatively low-rise cut, and under $100.

One might think that these parameters would make it impossible to find pants. But I found a pair of Nine West pants at Macy's once, and they do meet all the criteria. Unfortunately, despite my best internet searching, they do not seem to be on the market any more. Please save me from the Juniors section--it's starting to hurt my self esteem.

So...any ideas?

And lest anyone think I'm just a boring, fashion-impaired professional with a jumpback fetish, check out this blog that My Gift turned me on to. She wishes our family could be like this one. I agreed that we can have Jello shots at Christmas, but once we consume them, we're not likely to strip and run around with guns. No, we'll all grab whatever books we're currently reading and quietly read in the livingroom. Well, to be fair, there's a good chance The Cop would welcome the opportunity to celebrate the holidays with his guns. But in the end, sadly, it is not our karma to be a family like this one:

http://badnewshughes.blogspot.com/2005_12_01_badnewshughes_archive.html

Why I am addicted to the internet

Cody talked a little today about his Ashtanga addiction. I took a break from work to read his blog, and other Ashtangis' blogs, and then I looked at ezBoard, and there was an entry from jms, who was coaching someone on jumpbacks:

Very important: use the inhale to facilitate the lifting, curling and tucking. And always, always look well ahead of the hands.

Oooh, I thought. Since I'm working from home, I can try this right out. So here I am in my home office, trying out the advice: Lift? Check. Curl? Got it. Tuck? Yup. Look well ahead of the hands?

No.

No, I haven't been looking well ahead of the hands. I've read this before, but I've only been working on the jumpback thing for the past week or so, so I've never had to remind myself to make this habit of looking forward. As it turns out, the looking ahead of the hands thing makes a big difference.

Those little tidbits one reads or hears that make such a big difference. Like Volleyball Guy's suggestion this morning during dropbacks: "Make your legs strong; make your shoulders soft." For a split second my body understood.

It goes against years of training. Too much strength training, for one thing. Too much rock climbing. I've never had penis envy, but I've always had upper body strength envy, and I've spent decades trying to compensate. Plus I had the "always be strong" requirement of a single mom for many years. In the end, it manifests as a good strength-to-weight ratio, but also as lots of tension in the upper body. I'm going to have to really work hard to break that habit.

The jumpback project goes on. At first a whole practice with all the lifts/tucks/folds made my shoulders pretty sore, but that stage seems to be over. Now I'm in the slightly frustrated stage, where the key is going to be just keeping my perspective and not turning this into a drama. Obviously, if I do it for a year, I'll be better next October than I am today. So just do it.

Supta kurmasana (don't miss jms's YouTube of the pose on ezBoard) is coming along well--my hand bind is getting nice and tight and strong--but the crossed feet business has me a little stymied. It's funny how I over-invested in one part (the hand bind) when beginning, which has manifested in a habit of really going for the bind. Now that that's working, though, I realize I have to pull some focus away from the hands and work some stuff out about hips/legs/feet. You know that story about catching monkeys by putting food into a jar that they can't pull their hands out of once they've grasped the treat? Yeah, that's my current supta k situation. To start figuring out the feet, I'm going to have to experiment with the pose, which means not always doing it the way I know will guarantee me the hand bind. So Ashtanga is teaching me about my pride and my greed. Thank you, Ashtanga (said in a grudging tone).

Seriously, though, it's an addiction with a lot of remarkable qualities. One of which might ultimately be to release one from one's addiction to Ashtanga. And even (and I suspect this is the point) to the body, to the self. That seems like an impossible asana from my current perspective, but I'm pretty sure that's where all of this is headed.

Majorly distractable

Not sure what the deal is, but I am totally distracted by people these days. Not tons of mind chatter, but just continuously aware of people on the periphery of my vision. Practice this morning was fine, except for the weird sense of distraction.

It also occurs at (and I wonder if it doesn't originate from) work. We're getting toward the end of the year, there's all sorts of planning, changes in the works, strategies, questions, debates, blah blah blah. My team is getting bigger, so there are more designers to try to manage (LOL! and I do mean try)--they are all wonderfully talented and self-sufficient, but with strong tendencies toward perfectionism and compulsion, and of course as a manager, one of my jobs is to get product out the door--so I'm always trying to pry projects out of people's hands when it's finished and they are just polishing and polishing it and driving themselves mad in pursuit of perfection. In the meantime, they are all terrific people and my personal impulse is to just let them do whatever they want so they'll be happy.

So it's people, people, people. And in the meantime I am trying to find the most zenlike way to live. Trying to let go of the ego, opinions, judgments. To make as faint a set of footprints as possible. How, though, can one do that in a corporate world? Or in a shala, for that matter?

I had the strongest impulse to just practice alone at home, and after a week, when I went to the studio and Volleyball Guy said, "We missed you last week," I was really rather struck with a kind of guilt--like I was not contributing to the larger community. What is my resposibility?

There is, as always, an easy/difficult zen answer, at least for this very moment:

Just don't know. Finished practice, now go to work.

Sore Initiative

The Mysorians enter the studio through the back door in the morning, since the studio isn't officially open. Volleyball Guy was standing outside when I showed up this morning. "Missed you at Mysore last week," he said.

Practice was good. Still hanging in there on the jumpback attempts. Tried every single time throughout practice. Sore, too. Saturday's attempts left me sore in the medial deltoids and obliques. I haven't had muscle soreness like that in a long time. It's amazing how the body adjusts to whatever you throw at it, but then if you add in one new move, it can make you really sore.

This morning I wore my glasses to the studio, then ditched them when it was time to begin. Instant drishti. Very nice. I read somewhere that Guruji had told someone not to use glasses or contacts during practice. Saturday, I practiced next to Ms. Scorpionessa, and I noticed she had tucked her glasses away at the end of her mat. After class I asked if she always did that, if she never wore contacts to class. She rather ruefully suggested that she was probably cheating by relying on bad eyesight to ensure drishti, but it seemed like a good idea to give it a try. Putting in contacts: one less thing to do at 4:30AM.

It was very strange not to be able to see as clearly as I usually do. On the other hand, my drishti can get kind of "sharp," kind of over-effortful, so going without contacts automatically softened up my vision. It was, as I had imagined, a little difficult as I came up from Prasarita C. When Volleyball Guy adjusts me in this pose, I totally let go of any sense of up or down, so coming back up is very disorienting and usually pretty clumsy. And so it was today. Ardha Baddha Padmottanasana also. I think I sight the horizon on my way up from them, in order to get my bearings.

Baddha Konasana was the most intense adjustment of the day. I had gotten myself with my head almost on the ground, already popped my sacrum, when Volleyball Guy came over and just smooshed me straight down into the ground. It made me think of chicken wings, the way my legs were folded and tucked. There's this thing cooks do with poultry wings before roasting, where you turn the joint and tuck the tip of the wing back under the...well, I guess it's the armpit of the bird. Interesting to feel my hips twisting that way, so my thighs could flatten.

Volleyball Guy asked if The Cop would be coming to Mysore practice. I said The Cop would probably want to learn more before he practiced with other people. "Ego," Volleyball Guy said, nodding. When I told The Cop, he said, "It's more lack of interest. I do like working out with you, though." Working out? Hmmmm. Apparently the KoolAid isn't quite as strong as I might have imagined ;-)

One step forward...

...two steps back. Yesterday morning was led practice. After a week of alone practice, it felt nice to see everyone. Mat to mat, we were, at the Phoenix Starbucks of Yoga; the Scottsdale branch is under reconstruction after a flood a few weeks ago.

How'd I do? Well, asana practice felt terrific. What I'll call the "Jumpback Initiative" (in honor of the fact that it seems like all I've done at work the past couple of months is crank out documents detailing strategic initiatives for the next 3-5 years) went well. Ugly, yes. But I did it all the way through, which was my only criterion for success.

What really caught my attention, though, after a week of solitude, was the ENORMOUS weight of my competitiveness. Not the kind that breaks drishti, but just the kind that makes one conscious of other people around, of PERFORMING. Sigh. The thing is, it is so deeply ingrained that I can't even fathom working up an initiative to overcome it.

Ohhh, I just looked up and spotted what looks like a black widow's nest in the frame of the hammock. That can't be good...

Back to the matter at hand. Self-consciousness. Ego. Seriously, is there no end to this? It feels like a thread I've been pulling for years and years, and even as some of it dissolves, the remainder seems to get bigger and bigger.

I'm afraid I'm about to bust out with a Huang Po quote. I'm liking the idea of substituting "other people practicing in the room with you" whenever he says "sentient beings" ;-)

"Buddha" and "sentient beings" are both your own false conceptions. It is because you do not know real Mind that you delude yourselves with such objective concepts. If you WILL conceive of a Buddha, YOU WILL BE OBSTRUCTED BY THAT BUDDHA!!! And when you conceive of sentient beings, you will be obstructed by those beings. All such dualistic concepts as "ignorant" and "enlightened," "pure" and "impure," are obstructions. Just as apes spend their time throwing things away and picking them up again unceasingly, so it is with you and your learning. All you need is to give up your "learning," your "ignorant" and "enlightened," "pure" and "impure," "great" and "little," your "attachment" and "activity." Such things are mere conveniences, mere ornaments within the One Mind. Really you must give them up!

In other news, on Friday My Gift sent me an email from her new home at college, detailing a little taste of nirvana:

The leaves are all over everywhere. The leaves from those trees you like, with the berries, they're really small and when they're in puddles they look like cornflakes. I thought of you. And Andy Goldsworthy. Why he would be interested in cornflake leaves is beyond me, but they were artistic in their cerealesqueness.

And this morning The Cop came home and said the time around Moon Days are hard for cops, as well as yogis. Apparently he had to go "hands on" (i.e., fight) with a 300 pound drunken, belligerent domestic violence suspect last night. The Cop's mindfulness is always of interest to me, because it springs from his particular practice, which includes martial arts and Buddhist practices. He detailed for me the whole encounter, which included escalating belligerence, resistance, and ultimately violence. His mind was clear through the whole thing--even when fighting with the guy, as he considered his options (Taser, pepper spray, club) and determined that none of that was necessary at any given moment, right up until the guy was subdued.

At which point, The Cop puts the whole thing down: it never is personal to him. That is part of his practice. It's interesting, because it is something I see play out when we watch mixed martial arts fights: when one opponent taps out (gives up), The Cop is extremely unhappy if the winning opponent continues his submission hold or punches the opponent again or does anything except cease and desist immediately.

So that's it from here. Me, My Gift and The Cop off doing our things. And for some reason, this whole entry reminds me of a line from one of my favorite Coldplay songs: We live in a beautiful world.

Very difficult, very easy

This morning on ezBoard, someone was asking about the cross of the feet in bhujapidasana--right over left, or left over right? I can't resist questions like that, and I hit the books: Maehle, Swenson, Yoga Mala, Sweeney = right over left. Lino's book = left over right.

A few minutes later, I spied John Scott's book, and, being a geek, just had to look up bhujapidasana. On my way, though, to bhuja p, I flipped past jumpbacks. Okay, so exhale in dandasana, then inhale into lolasana, then swing back on the exhalation. Oh, and wait a minute, after your butt is up and your legs are pulled back through your arms: "you may have to touch the floor lightly with one or both of your feet." Okay! Now there's a useful sentence! I can use it to substitute for my usual "after your butt is up and your legs are pulled back through your arms, you may have to grow confused, run out of strength and drop onto your knees." Gosh, I love books. Mostly because they save me from my crazy ideas, like that there is no touching the feet in jumpbacks, even when you first start doing them.

Lately I've been reading Karen Armstrong's biography of the Buddha (entitled, in proper zen-like fashion "Buddha"), and I was particularly interested in the time when Buddha studied and practiced yoga. I am always deeply struck by how Ashtanga practice intersects with zen practice--gosh, I'd love to talk with Huang Po or Hongzhi about their perspectives on this, but since they've been dead since 850 and 1157 respectively, I guess that's out of the question. At the shala, of course, spiritual discourse revolves around the Hindu system, which is fine. I just always feel like I come from a different country. No worries, though: zen has plenty of ways to put these things in perspective. I can easily imagine the masters saying: "Are zen and Hinduism the same or different? If you say different, I'll hit you 30 times. If you say the same, I'll hit you 30 times."

Looking forward to practice at the shala this morning.

Beware: Practice notes only

Serious self practice mode lately. Not quite sure why. It struck me one morning as I was leaving the shala that there are a few things I am working on in practice, and that the only way to proceed was simply to keep practicing: no muss, no fuss. And it's stuff I can do at home, day after day, simply by walking into the yoga room. For some reason it seemed really important that I subtract any extraneous details, that it simply be me and my practice. Based on the notion that if I just bust out bunches of practices, I'll get further into the poses.

Basically, I have work to do on supta kurmasana, garbha pindasana and baddha konasana. And the only way to proceed, or actually, the easiest way to proceed, is to not make too much of the whole deal but just to get up every morning and practice. I have the poses figured out, and the only thing that will open them up more is persistance.

As is usual, I have identified the things I want to focus on. Also what I can skip (handstands, bakasana transition out of utkatasana, eka pada bakasana transition out of virabhadrasana). I just want a plain old minimalist primary practice.

Baddha k is all about getting my head to the floor. As I've mentioned before, I am not one of those people who find baddha k relatively easy or "natural." That said, I seem to be through the terrifying crack-of-the-sacrum phase: at this point, it's just a little pop. And I'm down to one sandbag on my back to get my head to the floor--for a while there, it required two sandbags and a push. There's still plenty of stuff going on in the adductors, stuff I can't even fathom, but it's just a matter of time before they release.

Garbha p is pretty rewarding, and I'm starting to understand how the pose fits into the sequence, how the sensation of the rolling can be soothing and energizing at the same time. At the shala, folks usually just wrap their arms around their legs and roll when they get to garbha pindasana, so I felt like a dork when I decided to carry around my bottle of water, pull up the legs of my pants and douse my limbs with water in order to get my arms all the way through my legs. I was only able to put my hands in front of my face and touch my fingertips to my forehead for the first few weeks, though for the past couple of practices, my palms are almost cupping my face. Again, just a matter of time.

Supta kurmasana. What can I say? The hand bind gets stronger and stronger, enough of a grip at this point that I can really roll side to side pretty vigorously in an attempt to get my feet together, and, on good days, slightly crossed. Getting there...

The other "at home" project is jumpbacks. I'm usually pretty good for some relatively good jumpthroughs, though once I get tired, they tend to devolve into "jumpslides"-- half slides that can almost resemble jumpthroughs, courtesy of my slippery rug. Aw, but I know it's a fake.

Anyhow, I suddenly realized the flaw in my logic that suggested it would be easier to learn jumpthroughs first, jumpbacks later. As it turns out, though, I find myself worrying about the stress an uncontrolled jumpthrough is likely to exert on my shoulder, specifically the old rotator cuff tear. It's healed (happened years ago), but still there's a sense of it being the weakest link. Last week I had a brainstorm: learn jumpbacks. The resulting strength and control will actually make jumpthroughs safer. So jumpbacks it is. Or, more accurately, lolasanas followed by a butt-lift followed by my strength giving out and me ending up on my knees. Okay, well that's fine. If I do it a billion times, eventually my strength will increase and I'll pull this off.

So that's the story from here. At least the practice notes story. Inspired by Neti, who pointed out that practice notes are perfectly acceptable blog fodder.