Hurtie time

I guess everyone goes through times where practice pretty much just hurts. My hamstrings are both complaining, though the left one is the real problem child. There's something in my lower back that's kind of nagging, too. All of this enough of an issue that I asked Volleyball Guy about how to proceed (after he squashed me in baddha konasana until my chin touched my toes for the first time. I'm not a natural baddha konasian--so this was rather a milestone). He told me to keep on practicing. "Should I keep trying to push into each pose, to try to push through this?" No, he said. Back off just a hair and pay attention.

The key'll likely be more attention in home practice. My home practice has been slovenly at best, lately. Must re-focus and bring some sensitivity to it, try to hear what's going on with all of these crinks and aches. I really do believe that it's alignment stuff happening--the proper alignment promised by yoga chikitsa, but still it's a challenge not to feel overwhelmed or hopeless or scared that I'm going to really damage myself somehow. I guess these are my physical and mental granthis.

On the up side: got Gregor Maehle's book yesterday. What a tome! Super-detailed physical information. Just what I wanted.

Practice has its inception in doubt, is enhanced through dynamism and the application of effort, and develops into faith only as those preceding factors mature.

--Sitting with Koans, John Daido Loori

Just Say No...

...to Saturday led class. Last week was 34 people in a teeny room. I just can't do it again! (said in dramatic voice). I had a good week with my less strenuous schedule. Instead of a week of getting up 5 mornings in a row at 4:30AM, capped by a Saturday led class that knocks me out for the rest of the day, I did early Mysore on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, an evening led on Thursday, and I will practice here on my own today. Likely, I will do a little something tomorrow, too. Not Ashtanga, I think, but something different--just for fun.

I am actually a little giddy at the expanse of Saturday lying before me. The Cop kindly gifted me with a rake (which I'd been asking for), and I can try it out in the back yard. He uses a blower to deal with leaves, etc., but I wanted an old-fashioned rake. I am thrilled at the prospect of having excess energy and a yard to use it on: there are rose bushes to trim, hibiscus to prune, palm trees and oleander to water, and all sorts of things to rake. Then I can clean the pool and jump in.

On the My Gift front, we have some relief in the tiredness she's been feeling. I read some interesting info on vegan diets for lupus, and she's giving that a go. Feeling very sorry for herself at times, particularly when she's with friends who are having fast food. But she'll be fine. She's off to a hippy kind of college in the fall, and her diet and Buddhist beliefs and yoga ways will suddenly stop being strange for Scottsdale and become totally normal for Flagstaff.

Happy Saturday!

2 extra hours!

I got up at 6:30 this morning and it totally rocked. The Cop shared the same pot of coffee as me, which is almost unheard of. My 4:30 coffee is generally a lonely affair ;-)

I sat on the couch and said, "Waking up at 6:30 is very different from waking up at 4:30." He looked at me with a compassionate expression that seemed to indicate "Duh!" Anyhow, after my oblique little blog-discussion-via-comments with Jody yesterday, I realized that it might be wise to see if less than 6 days a week of practice makes me more attuned to normal human life.

The Cop seems to vote yes. I appreciate his willingness to let me explore these ideas on my own. Honestly, if I told him I wanted to practice three times a day, seven days a week, I think he would express concern for my health, but then buckle down and help me do it, if I were bound and determined. I love him for that. I fear for my general well-being (shouldn't someone try to stop me?!?!) but I love his willingness to be supportive.

So with an excess of energy, I went to work. Lunch was a pizza bribe to the guys in IT so that my team could sit down with them and discuss technology in general, and podcasts in specific. I think some podcasts on our website (we're an educational organization) are a great idea. And since I brought the pizzas, how could they be upset when I mentioned that I might have downloaded an open source code audio editor on one of our workstations so we could do some experimenting with audio files?

Anyhow, lunch was lots of fun and I learned that though they have the capacity to spy on us (and rat me out for occasional blog entries during working hours ;-) they don't. This is refreshing to hear: the last company I worked for was a network analysis company with a bad attitude and a penchant for spying on everyone.

The day off worked out marvelously. I am eager to get to practice tomorrow morning, and not nearly as wiped out as I generally feel at 4 in the afternoon. I'm not even sporting my late afternoon headache. I have no idea how this experiment with my schedule is going to work out, but the current plan is to do Monday/Wednesday/Friday Mysore, and Tuesday/Thursday evening led. The heck with Saturday led: it's too hot and it knocks me out for the whole day. We'll try the new 5 day a week schedule for a bit and see what happens. No matter what, it's always fun to try something new.

Adjusting

Yesterday was Volleyball Guy's adjustment workshop. Okay, so if I'd thought about it for even a minute, it probably would have occurred to me that non-Ashtangis would attend. And that they would ask to learn adjustments for non-Ashtanga poses. And they would be people I do not know or practice with.

Ah, my limited view! I go around thinking Scottsdale's yoga folk are the people I practice with each morning at Mysore class. And maybe the Saturday led folks. As it turns out, there are a lot of other yogis out there, and they don't do Ashtanga. How narrow is my view? Okay, so we did adjustments for Ardha Chandrasana and revolved Ardha Chandrasana and Natarajasana. Sigh. Forgive me, but I am an efficient person, and all I could think was "Don't do this one. Don't do this one. Don't need this one." Say it in a Rainman voice and it's more endearing.

On the upside, we did Vasisthasana, which felt delightful and criminal. The woman I was working with complimented my Vasisthasana, which I love to do, and which I learned from Anusarians. For a moment there, thinking back to my Anusara teachers (who rocked, and who are now My Gift's employers), I put down my prejudices against the non-Ashtangi. (Haha! On re-reading this, I realize we pretty much all just sound like a bunch of nerdy groups from a Star Trek convention anyhow.)

As I adjusted to the reality of the adjustment class, I realized a few things:

1. I can only understand which "side" of the pose I'm doing if I turn my body to the right on my mat.
2. I don't trust adjustments from anyone except Volleyball Guy and the Mysorians.
3. I don't like touching people I don't know.
4. I don't like people I don't know touching me.
5. I particularly dislike being sweated upon by people I don't know.
6. I'm not cut out to be a yoga teacher.

Basically I walked away with a newfound respect for the physical effort Volleyball Guy makes for us every day. Note to self: work more on the Eka-Pada-Bakasana-to-handstand exit from Virabhadrasana B before you kill him.

I was surprised at how many people seemed to think that adjustments were a way to put students into the pose perfectly. My experience with Volleyball Guy is more about him helping me push past the normal edge of a pose. And then the next time I do the pose, I try to push into that new space that was created, that new possibility. Okay, enough about that. A lot of what he was trying to teach us yesterday involves trusting the unsaid, trusting the experiential--so no more words.

Practice this morning was fun, though kinda off for everyone, since we'd all given up our day off to go spend four hours giving and receiving adjustments. Lots of good cheer this morning, but lots of sighs and grunts, too. The team is a little tired. I'm taking a day off tomorrow. I need to do some thinking about whether 6 days a week is making me too tired. I'm not sure if I'm managing to adjust.

How many yogis does it take to overfill a room?

As many as we had today at led.

Yikes. Mat to mat. I wanted to feel happy and gracious and pleased with how many people were there, but mostly I felt like I wanted to close and lock the door. Parallels with the immigration issue: of course you want everyone to be able to go where they want and do what they want--but how are we going to handle the logistics?

I had a huge bodybuilder fellow put his mat down perpendicular to the top of mine. I wondered if he was a Bandha Boy (which is what Sanskrit Scholar calls the muscular fellows who can float into handstand from navasana), but he looked a little too bulky. As it turns out, he seemed to just be a bodybuilder who decided to check out Ashtanga. He had that kind of stunned look that new people get about three quarters of the way through standing poses, but then he dug down and really hung in there through the rest of practice. I was impressed. I used to really value big muscles (both on men and women), but that aesthetic doesn't do much for me anymore. Still, you've got to hand it to a bulky person who hangs in through two hours of practice. You know he's got to have wished he hadn't worked so hard for all that extra weight.

Beyond the bodybuilder, there were a handful of other new people. The more I think about it, the more I realize the heroic effort it takes to be a beginner in Saturday led class. The room is packed, everyone seems to know everyone else, all the words are in Sanskrit, it's a bazillion degrees. It sounds kind of hellish when you think about it. LOL!

Gotta love the possibilities the heat brings, though. Well, the possibility of really hurting yourself, which I try to avoid by giving myself a little talking-to on the drive over to the studio. But also the possibility of getting deeper than you can any other time. Today I got my chin in my hands in garbha pindasana for the first time. Yay! And then I decided to try to roll that way. Yeah, with the mat-to-mat situation, I ended up pretty much just rolling back and forth on my mat and not really doing any revolutions, but that's fine. Now I have a new issue with kukkutasana: when you roll up and your arms are super sweaty, how do you keep from slipping back down on your arms? I am pretty sure the answer is going to involve the term "bandhas" ;-)

Tomorrow, Volleyball Guy is doing an adjustment workshop. I'm going, as is Crim Girl, Returning Guy and Chanting Man. Should be fun. Maybe we can learn some things that will be helpful in our ever-growing Mysore practice. Soon Volleyball Guy is going to need some help to look after all the new students.

Cracking the shell

Why is it hard to practice in the morning (zazen or Ashtanga)? I think I have a little insight today. For the past couple of weeks, My Gift has been feeling tired and run down. And then she got a little sore on the side of her mouth. These are signs that the lupus might be kicking in more than usual. When she is ill, it takes up a good bit of my psychic space. It's pretty awful, really, because there is nothing I can do about it and we have no idea what course this disorder will take.

Anyhow, when I woke this morning, my psyche felt very tender and defenseless. Which is common, I think, after a night of unconsciousness. All of the static of a busy day hasn't started up, all the thoughts that kind of pull us out of the center of ourselves. So I got to thinking about how morning is the perfect time for meditation, because of this lack of psychic "shell," but it's also a little tough for the same reason. Psychic vulnerability. Good to work with, but it can be a little hard to open yourself up day after day.

This morning I felt the pull of My Gift. Hard to leave the house and go to Mysore practice. Not that my staying home would have done anything at all. She doesn't need anything from me, and there is nothing I can do to help. But the psychic pull is there.

Off I went.

Very crowded today. More and more folks showing up for Mysore practice. I wonder if Volleyball Guy is starting to feel overwhelmed. I went happily along. Fridays always have a cheerful feel with this group.

When I got to supta k, I managed to graze my fingers together, but then when I tried again, I just couldn't find them. Why does this happen? I have a theory. I keep using the muscular energy of my arms to try to get my hands together, and I suspect that may collapse my chest. I need to make the grab from my shoulders, by opening my chest and pressing under my legs more. At least that is the answer in my head today. We'll see if it works in physical reality tomorrow morning.

Crim Girl spotted me thrashing and helped me out with a hand bind. In the meantime, Volleyball Guy showed up and got my feet together. Gotta keep pressing through with the shoulders and chest, I think. And just get used to the whole thing. I did about 25 breaths today and by the time I was done, my arms were exploding with energy--all tingly and discombobulated. It was really hard to do the vinyasa. I wondered if I'd face plant.

Supta k is interesting because it tempts you to think it is about the limbs, about arms and legs, when really it's about the core. Duh, I suppose. But I just figured it out this morning. I keep defaulting to arms, but it's really about shoulders and chest/back. I keep defaulting to legs/feet, but it's really about hips and bandhas.

Crim Girl helped me out in baddha konasana, too. We got a great crack out of the left side of my sacrum. Mmmmmm. That feels so good. In a really scary way. LOL! I have a bit of a leg up, I think, because I like to surrender to adventure. And what an adventure it is.

When I got home, My Gift was all ready for school and feeling chipper. We had a breakfast of poached eggs and vegan muffins (orange cranberry), and yes, I see the irony in our menu. We chatted about one of our favorite podcasters, an Australian monk of the Thai forest tradition. His name is Ajahn Brahm, and he is available via MP3. My Gift and I love to listen to his talks. A little while later, The Cop showed up after an overnight shift and then a deposition at court. So we all met for a moment and then went on our Friday ways.

New "Openings" :-)

You know how in your practice, there are little spots in the sequence that your energy starts to be attracted to at different times? Right now for me, that's supta kurmasana and baddha konasana. And they are interrelated. Supta k is asking me to be less fearful about the back of my neck. I never realized how sensitive I am about that part of my body. Or rather, I guess I was so used to it that I never challenged the belief system that makes me feel like it's fragile.

Anyhow, I am about where I need to be to start binding my feet, at least according to Crim Girl. Who is a harsh taskmaster, I must say. Take that as a warning, anyone who might practice on a mat next to her ;-) My hips need to be a bit more open to really pull this off, so that's where the baddha konasana seems to be coming in.

Interestingly, I started out with my increased energy around supta k and baddha konasana thinking that it was primarily about the hip opening. As it turns out, the real challenge may be in my neck. That's where my fear is, and I suppose it might be a delicate process teasing it out. Baddha konasana B is quite the challenge for me, because it feels so weird to try to curve my neck that way. Maybe something to do with a resistance to/misunderstanding of whatever forces are at work in jalandhar bandha?

A good exercise, no matter what. Usually when I am frightened, I do whatever it is that's scaring me. I took up climbing when I was laid off from my job and terrified, as a single mother, about my and My Gift's futures. Solution to that huge life fear? Take up rock climbing! Feeling small and weak? Do heavy squats alongside the guys at the gym. LOL! It really does help put things in perspective. But it's also indicative of my approach: bust through with brute force--either of will or of muscle. This neck thing, though, is likely going to require a bit more finesse.

I'm a little excited about the idea of meeting a delicate challenge. Totally something new for me. No idea how it will go.

Staring Me Right in the Face

When I woke this morning, my first thought was: I wonder if I actually, physically, am not getting enough sleep because of my early practice? Or maybe it was the margarita from the night before talking. Not sure. Don't want to belabor the thought.

This morning, there was a new gal at Mysore practice. Doing God only knows what. All sorts of poses, but not any Ashtanga sequence.

Okay, so I start my practice. And am immediately assailed by thoughts about work. It is rare that I think about work outside of work, so when I do, it means something's up. The deal: a few people in my department tend to have a habit of being angry. That seems to be their programmed response to pretty much everything. Yes, it's an interesting illustration of the idea that karma is simply the habits of the mind. But it's also hard to deal with. For me, anyhow. The truth is, I have very little anger to deal with in "real life." The Cop and My Gift are easy to get along with, my yoga friends and zen friends all try to cultivate ease and lightness. So I'm not well-practiced in dealing with anger.

After a few angry situations last week (not for me, but for people on the team I manage) I decided I had to think more about anger. Specifically, how to deal with it from a zen perspective. I read, I thought, I listened to podcasts by zen monks. I practiced. I sat. Still, I couldn't put it down.

Mysore practice goes along this morning and suddenly I am starting to feel really irritated by the gal right across from me. Why is she doing her crazy poses?! Why no Ashtanga?! And with that feeling of irritation, I get into Janu A, and suddenly realize that all my "work" about anger is based on my feeling that I have to "fix" something. That I have to find a way to motivate these angry people to change. I am trying to be zenlike, but still I am presuming they are doing something wrong that needs to be changed. That I can do something to make things the way I want.

Oh, thank you, Gal Right Across From Me Doing God Knows What. Thank you for irritating me until I understand I am going down the wrong path. I don't need to figure out what to do to change these folks: I need to sit more zazen to get clear. They're not out there, these issues. Just like my irritation isn't coming from out there where you are doing...geez, I think it's Eka Pada Rajakapotasana, but I'm not entirely sure.

When I get to baddha padmasana, I manage to touch both of my toes at the same time. Usually it's grab one, then lose it when I try to grab the other. Back and forth, back and forth. Kind of like chasing my feelings and thoughts about anger. Today, though, with the incremental results of practice, I touch both. Not a grab, but a touch. Not sure what that means, but somehow it seems hopeful.

Sweet Thing

My Gift knows just what to get me for Mother's Day. We opened the box at noontime and tried three of the chocolates. I pick one and she takes the first bite, then passes it back to me for the second bite, then I pass it back to her for the last bite. Then she picks one and passes it to me.

Mmmmmm. Great assortment. One of them is a chocolate with ginger bits mixed in. You can't taste the ginger for the first few seconds, and then there it is. Delicious.

Dinner at our favorite place tonight--southwestern food. The Cop had a busy night last night, so many dinner stories. And then we came home and hit the chocolate again.

Chocolate. The ultimate Ashtangi food.

More Unconscious Criminality

After led today, Sanskrit Scholar, Crim Girl, Returning Guy and I were hanging out, chatting. Returning Guy said something about it being the Moon Day. I looked at Crim Girl and we both cracked up. Yup, I complained about being inadvertently crim yesterday, and now I'm hearing I've done it again. Two times in two days! Way to go! LOL!

Practice was good, whether it was a Moon Day or not. Hot as hell, which is par for the course here in the desert. I believe we hit 100 degrees today. I mean 100 degrees out in the real world--way more than that in the studio. Pack a bunch of people in a small room in the desert and practice, and you can imagine the rest. Upside: I got my arms all the way through and at close to a 90 degree angle in garbha pindasana. I couldn't quite put my chin in my hands, but it's just a matter of time. I'm pretty reserved about my rolling when my arms are through padmasana, because I have no idea how to correct if I veer off course. But it was fine, all in all, and kukkutasana worked out beautifully. Kukkutasana's a funny pose, because just a split second before I roll up onto my hands, I wonder if I'm going to face plant. If I thought about the pose, I don't think I'd be able to bring myself to do it.

During backbends I had a glimpse of the results of the 4 months I've spent doing dhanurasana and ustrasana in Mysore practice. When I pushed up into urdhva dhanurasana today, it felt light and balanced and easy. I stood up (with an assist, lest anyone overestimate my abilities ;-) easily and happily. I'm still not sure what the dealio is with backbends--apparently I am only sensitive to the subtleties of the front body--but whatever Volleyball Guy's backbend master plan is, it seems to be working. I figure my job is simply not to get overly attached or ambitious.

After class, lunch with My Gift at a mongolian barbecue place that looked vaguely unsanitary to me, but which, apparently, the high school set loves, and a trip to the mall to find a graduation dress and shoes and jewelry. I was kind of lagging, which is usual after led class--but I made it through. I really wanted to have some quality time with her, and we did have fun. Soon she'll be off to college. Seriously, though, hell has to be an endless shopping trip in a suburban mall.

Is it a crime if you just forget?

The Moon Day, that is. I have so much stuff written on my calendar that I didn't see the note about it being a Moon Day. Bad lady. I have asked The Cop if I would get in trouble if I were simply to forget a law and the officer who pulled me over understood it wasn't on purpose but just a case of me spacing out. The Cop has made it clear that I would be outside of the law and, therefore, fully responsible. I don't think I buy this, but he is pretty definite. LOL!

Practice was good. The posse was there: Sanskrit Scholar, the British Director, me, and of course Crim Girl. She has to be there on the Moon Day to keep her moniker.

The posse has been chatting alot via email this week. Well, except for the British Director, who, apparently, has a job that does not allow for extensive thought and discussion about Ashtanga in the middle of the day. Throw off your chains, British Director! :-)

This morning, Volleyball Guy adjusted me in janu A, and it totally turned into a scary pose. He cranked my folded right leg waaaaaay back, and then turned my torso waaaaay to the left. I felt like my cat, except without the extra vertebrae. It was delightful, in part because janu A is a straightforward pose that doesn't usually contain lots of adventure, and suddenly it felt like something that could go horribly wrong. These physical fears, brought up by practice, are so interesting to me. I have so many beliefs about how my physical self is, about how it moves and what it can do. Of course those beliefs are incredibly limiting, in many ways. So practice ends up being like climbing: you attempt something that is scary as hell, and you come out of it with an adjusted belief system. I love it! Especially the fact that this is nothing that can be accomplished by thinking, by intellectualizing: it all happens through experience and the body. Second side of the janu A adjustment wasn't quite as deep, but was even more scary, because there is something in my hip that is resisting. Nothing major, just another structural reality that will change with time and practice.

Upavistha konasana was another adventure: I got my whole chest fully on the floor for the first time. It's amazing how the belief that says: Go ahead, results in such a dramatically different experience from Oh God, I can't do this!

On my way home I had to have a heart-to-heart with myself about my use of Sharath's CD during home practice. It is a great motivator, but I can also use it to be lazy. Practice at the shala is always good, but less deep than a really engaged home practice. Not for any reason except it is easier to focus when there is no one else around. I have to get back to that next week. It's always so satisfying after the fact (practicing alone), but can be a little hard to approach initially. Same with zazen (easier at the zendo than at home) and same with climbing (easier to follow than to lead). That's fine, though. Just something else to work toward. Practice.

Portrait of Today's Practice

A cat, a mat, a kleenex. Oh, and sun. Lots of sun.

Posse Gals Who Lunch

Practice was busy this morning. Crim Girl brought her Neti tee shirt so we could all check it out. She has suggested we all get one and become an Ashtanga posse. I was happy to get a look at the shirt, because I always wonder how tee shirt sizes run, and whether the cut will be too boxy, etc. There seems to be lots of variability in tee shirt sizing. The British Director, Sanskrit Scholar, Crim Girl and I all gathered around the tee shirt, and Sanskrit Scholar read/chanted and translated the text on the front of the shirt.

Apparently my sense that we all hang out together but never really get to talk is gathering some critical mass. The four of us have been emailing a bit, and there was lots of energy this morning: people wanted to socialize. Actually, it was just the women: The Other Dave, Returning Guy, Chanting Man and Volleyball Guy probably wondered why we were all gathered in a circle, chattering away. I think we will have to do lunch pretty soon. Perhaps when we all have our tee shirts. LOL! Maybe we can go after Saturday led, sporting Guruji shirts and messy, sweaty hair. The restauranteurs of Scottsdale will vie for our patronage.

Good practice today. Though sniffly. I had to give up and go get a Kleenex just before standing. Volleyball Guy sounded pretty bad, too. He only wanted me to do one navasana after utkatasana. Usually he likes to do three--just for practice. I was happy enough to leave it at one.

When I got to supta k, I clumsily tried to bind my hands. Crim Girl to the rescue! Thanks, Crim Girl. You are still compassionate, despite your life of yoga crime. A few minutes later, I caught a glimpse of Volleyball Guy adjusting her in supta k--bound hands and feet behind the head. She even did the push up to vertical. I emailed her later on to ask a few questions: she answered them, and also made the very good suggestion that perhaps we should all sit down and do a little talking about practice/particular poses.

We all work very hard, and pretty much silently, day after day and week after week. The idea of spending some time talking about what we do is very appealing to me.

Later on I had lunch with someone from work with whom I've never really had any extended conversation. She suggested the lunch, and I am really happy I went. You know how every so often you meet a really cool, really together, but still totally human individual? She's like that. She was quite interested in the zendo, and had done some rolfing with Philosophy Monk. And she is going through some intense transitions in her life. With lots of grace, but also, I'm sure, happy for some support. She wants to come down to the zendo once her life is back on track a bit.

So I had a number of cool conversations today. And you know, for all the fuss that gets made about the dialog on something like "Sex and the City," real-life conversations with actual women are so much more interesting.

Small Kindness

This morning during home practice, I had a flashback to yesterday's Mysore practice. I was doing finishing poses, and I reached for my toes for yoga mudra. I can always grab my left toes, but I can't quite reach the right ones. I make a point of grabbing the left, then trying for the right for a breath -- and then I just go ahead and lean forward into the pose and feel around a bit to see if I'm even close. Then I grab my elbows behind my back.

Yesterday, as I was going to give up and grab my elbows, I hear this little padding step coming toward me. Gee, Volleyball Guy is light on his feet today, I thought for a second, before realizing this must be Sanskrit Scholar, who was, last I knew, fully engrossed in her own practice across from me. I re-grabbed my left toes and felt her take my right arm, pull it away from my body, then bring my hand to my right toes. With a friendly little squeeze of my hand, she went back to her mat.

Thanks, Sanskrit Scholar! You rock. Kindness first thing in the morning is very sweet.

This morning was the first time I used the sun instead of the heater. Yup, it's summer in the desert, and I had to turn my mat to keep the sun from blinding me. I turned it so the sun shone on my back, and boy, did it feel great.

During savasana, I heard the cat pad into the room. Then, at the same time I heard him make a little trill, a fly landed on my face. Oh no! The cat is ready to pounce on the fly that's sitting on me! LOL! I've learned to be still through itches and sore knees and all the other things that happen when you are meditating. But there's no way I sit still through a cat attack to the face. Haha! End of savasana.

Back to it

Ah, back to Mysore practice! I was so happy to go to practice this morning. Returning Guy was there, and Sanskrit Scholar, and Chanting Man with his daughter The Cat, and The Other Dave. And the Bikram gal from last week, who brought along another Bikram friend. Apparently Volleyball Guy is an evangelist of Ashtanga. And he works the Bikram beat :-)

I couldn't breathe worth a darn, which actually was an interesting lesson. My mind was all over the place, and I couldn't really settle into meditation, because my breathing was so ragged. Of course I know the mantra: breath, bandhas, drishti--but I never really understood how integrated it all is; how it really rides the breath. So I coughed and sputtered and breathed as much as I could through my nose, and did some mouth breathing, as necessary. All of that sounds quite awful, but my cold is actually a lot better.

I had a quick word with Returning Guy as we walked into the studio, and I smiled at Sanskrit Scholar as I was leaving. Bummer, not going to Saturday led. Those 15 minutes before class starts, when everyone is just sitting around chatting, is the only time I get to talk to the people I practice with. It's funny, how we're all so close, but we hardly ever talk to each other.

Yesterday, I spent the day at my company's conference in Anaheim. At lunch, a bunch of high-powered compensation professionals at my table were chatting about the industry, trends, gaffes--Enron, and all that kind of stuff. I know enough to participate in the conversations, and even enjoy them a bit, but I couldn't help thinking that I wished I was having lunch with the Mysorites and we were talking about yoga. Then I remembered that we actually don't talk to each other all that much--we practice together. It's an interesting kind of collaboration or conversation. My relationship to them feels like the kind you have with people you talk to all the time, about everything. But we really don't. At least not in words.

Strange, but good

Vascillated all morning on whether to go to led class. I still have a bad, hacking cough. On the other hand, I actually feel pretty good. Decided not to go, ultimately: no way of knowing how long my energy would last, and I hate when people cough and sneeze a lot in class. Infectious or not, it always gives me the creeps.

So I stay home and practice with Sharath's CD. Got the DVD this week and watched (and loved!) it. But I am not allowed to practice in the livingroom (where the DVD player is). The dog has a very strong belief that yoga is only to be conducted in the yoga room. Any yoga in the livingroom results in major face-licking and hysterical barking. So she lies on the couch and I roll out my mat. She can actually see me in the yoga room from where she lies on the couch in the livingroom, but she's okay with that, so long as I'm in the correct area.

Sharath and I set off. Realize that his 5 counts are equivalent to 4 of mine. This is really extraordinarily fast. I'm a fast counter, myself, but he's got me beat.

Feel terrific from the first surya. Left hamstring tight but not too painful. I can put my palms on the floor from the get-go. Life is good. Except for the iPod and its earbud wires. Final configuration is wires threaded through my shirt to keep them out of the way, and iPod clipped to the back of my waistband. Excellent. No worries. All I have to do is remember to speed up on the jumpthrough for marichy D, so I have a few extra seconds for set up.

Yesssss! Marichy D goes off without a hitch. Great. It's been hit or miss for a long time. I figured I might've lost it during my sick days. But no, smooth sailing. Ah, not so fast! Navasana. Uh, oh. Hey, what's happening?!? This is the first navasana and I'm shaking uncontrollably. The iPod is sticking into my back. I have hit the wall, energy-wise. Time to reconsider the technical configuration. Okay, iPod stuck down my shirt for bhujapidasana. Nope, wrong answer. Okay, just leave it on the mat for kurmasana and supta kurmasana. And for goodness sakes, call it quits after baddha konasana. Exhale. Kurmasana. Nose and chin smooshed on floor. Drishti: third eye. iPod: sweaty and stuck to cheek.

Despite the devolving practice, I have this idea that I should really push on supta kurmasana. I thrash and roll and my feet aren't even nearly close to each other, but sure enough, I get a fingertip bind for the very first time. Woohoo! Drishti: third eye. iPod: digging into left temple.

That's pretty much it for excitement. I push on to baddha konasana and abruptly call it quits.

Makes for one strange practice: parts were delightful, there was some comedy, some improvisation, some sweat, a runny nose, and a good challenge at the end. Except for not getting to see the Mysorites this morning, I guess I can't complain.

Slowly getting back to normal

Whew, finally I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. All that's left of the cold is a gnarly sounding cough. I wonder how horrifying it might sound at led practice tomorrow? We'll see how I'm feeling. I have to travel on Sunday for a work-related meeting. Leave Phoenix at 7 AM to go to Anaheim, take the meeting, then return to Phoenix at 7 PM. Not the most fun day off.

Tomorrow night is My Gift's senior prom. She's totally psyched. She actually just called me from Juicy Yoga Studio where she works. She skipped school today to take an all day workshop with a visiting yoga instructor. Another all day session tomorrow, but she's only staying for half. Then she'll be off to get nails and hair and makeup done.

She called to say they had a 90 minute break, but that during that time, another class was scheduled. Since she is the receptionist, she has to stay during the break. And of course she forgot to think about food in advance. I brought her a soyburger. She was so happy. She said the teacher had talked alot about the Hindu goddesses. My Gift was particularly impressed by Kali. Go, My Gift!

I can't tell you how delighted I am by her interest in yoga. I was thinking about it this morning: My Gift has always gone her own way. She loves the monks at the zendo, but resists coming to formal practice. She tried rock climbing to satisfy my wishes, but didn't like it. She certainly is aware of my yoga obsession, but she waited to find her own time and her own studio and her own practice. My Gift is like a little cat: she watches everything carefully, but she always makes her own decisions. Hmmm, rather like when I was her age. Her decisions, though, have always been better than mine were.

Meanwhile, The Cop got his new schedule today. It's back to night shift. Yuck!! The cool thing recently is that his sergeant has a deep interest in religion. He has been asking The Cop all sorts of questions about zen. I sent him to work with a book of Bodhidharma's writing, one of Seung Sahn's books, and a really interesting article about a koan that deals with killing. That's what his sergeant asked about initially, how a cop could be a Buddhist, if it meant he might have to kill someone. One of the Buddhist precepts is a vow not to kill. I did the long explanation of how these seemingly contradictory possibilities might coexist, and I did the short explanation, and of course any explanation pretty much misses the whole dang point.

And the next day, as I was out looking at the roses, I suddenly remembered that the whole not killing thing is included in the Ten Commandments. I wonder if the sergeant forgot about that? Or maybe he thinks Buddhists have stricter rules, somehow?

Uh oh, pizza's here, and this Buddhist has to go watch "The Ultimate Fighter." Later!

Making things progressively worse

After all my whining about allergies, it turns out I have a cold. A wicked cold, as my Boston-based family members would say. Mysore practice on Monday was nice, if a little sniffly. Tuesday morning, though, I woke up with NO motivation. It always scares me when I don't have any impulse to practice; for some reason I always think that it's the end of any motivation I'll ever have. Even though time and again, it turns out that that kind of low energy is about getting a cold or something.

So on Tuesday morning, I decided to do yin practice. Why? Because I can lie down and practice (this should probably be Clue Number 1 that practice is not in order), and because I can keep a box of Kleenex close at hand to blow my nose. I suppose that might be Clue Number 2.

But really, what harm can come from an hour of yin yoga? Well, in my hands, apparently it's not as harmless as it seems.

Wednesday I wake with a sore knee. Curse you, half saddle pose! LOL! Isn't there a lesson in this? Haven't I learned it before? Why, yes: if you stretch connective tissue and then relax the surrounding muscles, you are in a precarious position. Or I should say, I am. Yup. Sadly, I've done this before.

Sanskrit Scholar teaches yin sometimes. I'll have to ask her why I am such a menace to myself when I mess with it.

At least the knee soreness helped me not practice on Wednesday. The hacking and sneezing and sore throat wouldn't have been good enough reason to knock off, right? I have Type A issues. Luckily my knee hurt like hell. I took the day off from work and had one of those days where you sleep late, get up out of bed, then go fall down on the couch to sleep some more. Get up and go lie on the bed. Read three sentences from book and fall asleep. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Very relaxing, really.

Today, no practice. Getting better but still hacking away. Knee improving.

But this is all just talk.

***

Walking along the edge of a sword,
running along the ridge of an iceberg,
no steps, no ladders,
jumping from the cliff with hands open.