Newhouseasana

Volleyball Guy's Saturday led primary is going on right this minute. How sad not to be there. I even have a new mat I could try out--a Manduka black mat--a Christmas present from my sister. But the new house calls.

Yesterday I went to Mysore practice, then The Cop and I worked at the new house all day, cleaning and painting. And drinking tea, because we are both kind of sick with sore throats and headaches and general yuckiness.

So today I will spend all of my energy on the house. It's so hard to skip practice, though. It's funny how some people have a hard time motivating themselves to practice, and some can't let go of it. I suppose there's a Middle Path in there. I have a hard time seeing it, though.

All's well that ends well

Crim Moon Day practice was good. I have a headache from the sinus thing, but nothing too bad, and I'm not coughing or anything, so I don't think I'm transmitting germs.

The usual crowd. And Mona came back. Volleyball Guy had her set up between Sanskrit Scholar and Chanting Man. He could just as easily have put her between me and Sanskrit Scholar. For a fleeting moment I wondered if Volleyball Guy reads my blog and was sparing me some distraction. And then I thought about how he really seems to have a sixth sense on a lot of things: just as you notice something out of whack on a pose, he'll make that adjustment. Just as you come up with a question, he'll walk over to you. I think maybe he's just hooked into the Tao.

Practice was good, though I was a little iffy about the whole thing and didn't have high expectations, given the headache. Any time I am thinking about cutting corners and taking it easy, I consider skipping handstands/bakasana, etc. So of course, Volleyball Guy cornered me and had me do three handstands after utkatasana. But that was fine.

On to the seated poses, where I once again confronted my little weirdnesses re: marichyasana C and D. I am a much better twister to the left than to the right. Which means my first marichy C is a little off. In fact, I always slow down and kind of overprepare or overthink my whole set up. I manage to bind it, but it always has a self-conscious quality. Which is further highlighted by the fact that when I then turn and do C on the second side, I just slip into it without a thought.

Then there are the marichy Ds. The bind is eluding me on both sides, but the larger issue seems to be the plaintive little wisp of futility that I feel about the pose on both sides. Interestingly, I expected to get caught up in futility surrounding kurmasana and supta kurmasana. But that feeling just never materialized. I am getting my shoulders to touch the floor on kurmasana, and I have no resistance to staying there and breathing for a while. In fact, it feels rather comforting. My hamstrings aren't loose enough yet that I can get my feet off the floor, but I don't mind waiting.

In supta, I usually manage to cross my ankles and pull my hands up pretty high on my back. No binding there, but I can feel my spine with my fingers, so I imagine I will eventually get there. Today, though, Volleyball Guy came over, put a strap between my hands and lifted up my feet, which meant I could wiggle my head under my legs. I had no plans about this, so it was a nice, though somewhat scary event. Vaguely claustrophobic, but exciting nonetheless.

So I'm thinking that my thinking is what's keeping the marichy D elusive, and that my forgetting to think about kurmasana and supta kurmasana is what made them so easy. Basically, I didn't stop to think that they should be much harder than they are turning out to be. This is a delightful discovery, and one I have to apply a bit more in so-called "real" life.

Moon Day of Convenience

I have declared today a Moon Day. Even The Cop, who only knows yoga from my obsessive chattering, immediately recognized my plan as crim. But here's the deal: I feel crappy with some kind of sinus thing, Thursday is home practice and Friday is Mysore. So much better the Moon Day be today and not tomorrow. Waking up at 7 AM today, versus 4:30, just felt like the right thing to do.

And since we are confessing transgressions of convenience, I think I might have a sick day from work tomorrow. We pick up the keys for the new house tonight, The Cop has tomorrow off, and I have a few sick days left this year... Perhaps sinus problems bring out the criminal in me? Perhaps it'll be a moot point if I keep getting sicker and really do have to take the Moon Day off and really do have to call in sick to work. We'll see.

This week on ezboard, someone brought up the idea of yoga fundamentalism. Which immediately made me think of Richard Freeman's essay Fundamentalism and the Middle Path. This is such a terrific essay, and it addresses fundamentalism in all of its manifestations--not just fundamentalism in yoga. I am a great fan of RF's writing (and speaking) style. It is simultaneously evocative and precise, patient and poetic.

[The] Middle Path is hard to define, subtly serpentine, and it is where yoga systems meet their perfection. It frees us from politics without making us apolitical. It frees us from religion without making us irreligious. It frees us from thought without making us thoughtless. It has been called love, but it’s not what you think. For the present moment, we should keep on looking, avoiding jumping to conclusions.

We should keep on looking, avoiding jumping to conclusions. This really is the heart of my favorite zen sayings, "Just don't know," "Open mouth, already a mistake," "Beginner's mind," and my very favorite: "Not knowing is most intimate."

So my intention for this Moon Day is to look, and to not know. Which always makes for a happy day.

Physical Reality

This morning I was dogged by physical reality. I woke up feeling kinda crummy--puffy eyes, stuffy head, general sluggishness. Could I be sick? Should I have a day off? Nah! It's harder, psychologically, to take a day off than to go to practice. And if I skip practice, I feel kind of creaky all day--like I don't have enough space in my joints. So I went.

Quiet when I got to Volleyball Guy's house. Just Returning Guy and The Other Dave. And the space heater. Mmmmmm. I start in on my suryas and notice something interesting. Both of my nostrils are stuffed up. Huh, I wonder why I didn't notice that on the drive over... I wonder how I managed to breathe... Oh well. Nothing a little forceful ujjayi breathing won't solve, right? It didn't sound pretty, but Returning Guy and The Other Dave are loud, so my labored breathing was drowned out.

Okay, that problem solved. On to the next. I don't know about everyone else, but at some point in almost every practice (usually in the marichys), I find myself recalling what I had for dinner the night before. This morning I was remembering during surya Bs. Not a good sign. Spicy tofu. What was I thinking? I manage to be disciplined and focused on any number of things, but for some reason, the simple practice of not eating spicy food the night before Mysore always eludes me. Zen monks, in their precepts, swear off onions, garlic and other spices. I always kind of wondered why that'd be included in their precepts, and I figured maybe it was so they wouldn't have bad breath in the zendo. Now, though, I think it's because practicing (Ashtanga or zazen) on a busy stomach is really distracting.

As I am reconciling myself to my stuffy nose and yucky stomach, more folks arrive. Sanskrit Scholar, The British Director, and Surfer Girl, a very sweet, very tall advanced practitioner. And Mona, who sets up between me and Surfer Girl.

Mona moans. Oh boy. I think this is my shala pet peeve. If the moaning is conscious, it's kind of a weird attention-getting device. If it's unconcious...well, isn't that rather odd? Don't get me wrong--I'm unconscious during practice as much as the next person. But I come around every so often and I'm sure I'd notice if I was moaning all the time.

So Mona moans, and she does not recognize that Surfer Girl or I exist. Her practice is not adjusted according to those around her. She smacks me a couple of times, smacks Volleyball Guy when he's adjusting me, and I hear Surfer Girl apologizing a couple of times, no doubt because Mona has smacked her, too. Okay, as I'm typing this, I'm laughing, but I was kinda irritated at the time.

You know when someone's doing seated poses behind you and it's time for your prasaritas? Don't you adjust yourself up or down your mat so that when you fold, you won't be breathing (or moaning, as the case may be) directly onto the person doing seated poses? Just a thought.

I suppose it's evident that practice this morning was about physical reality. Nothing in the way of transcendence for me. No idea what the lesson may be in this. Just the facts, ma'am.

Yin

Home practice this morning. I was considering knocking off altogether for Ladies Holiday, but decided to try some yin poses. Okay, so here's the deal: I find yin yoga really challenging.

For one thing, yin poses seem dangerous to me. I am not at all accustomed to letting my muscles fully relax. Nor am I accustomed to slumping, which is actually part of yin practice. Forward bend, for example: you slump forward and relax all the muscles in your back. It actually feels good, to slump my head forward and feel the stretch in the back of my neck, but I'm sure I'm not fully relaxed down my spine. I have a belief, and apparently it's a very deep one, that the muscles really need to be somewhat toned, somewhat on, to support the bones. I have to ask Sanskrit Scholar about this. She teaches yin classes.

So back and neck poses felt sketchy, because of my own fear. But there were a couple of poses that really will be helpful: agnistambhasana for slowly stretching out my very tight hips, and the yin supta virasana--to try to stretch out my quads/knees. Still not sure what more to do to stretch out my shoulders.

If nothing else, this was an interesting look at how much I trust muscle tension (Doesn't it hold my bones together? Isn't it necessary for physical integrity?), and how nervous I am about giving it up. Just another mind-habit, I suppose. Though a very deep-seated one

And speaking of habits, I was interested in Susan's post yesterday, when she mentioned how she kind of missed work. I had that same thought this weekend. Don't get me wrong--if I won the lottery (unlikely since I can't seem to remember to play) I wouldn't be hauling myself to work every morning. But I would have to find something challenging to do. Work can be a big fat stressful pain, but it also offers me an endless number of "puzzles" to work out--strategic, political, interpersonal, procedural...you name it. So for all its stressfulness, it's also rewarding. Kind of the psychological equivalent of the muscular tension I assume I need to keep my body intact.

I wonder how long it'll be before I've had my fill of those work-related "rewards" today ;-) I'm guessing around noon...

Mind games

Whoa. This morning's practice was very busy, mind-wise. What am I doing here? was the question of the day. It was interesting, though, because despite the tedious, sluggish disbelief of my mind (e.g., I can't possibly do this!), my body felt pretty good.

Sanskrit Scholar made a groaning remark about practice after "five pounds of mashed potatoes and two bottles of champagne." I could have thrown in my own comment about...actually I don't really know what this stuff was. The Cop's parents sent it to us--it's toffee popcorn with chocolate covered peanuts mixed in. I suppose it could quite accurately be called My Downfall.

The marichyasana poses, which I was dreading, were especially good today. Go figure. They actually didn't feel particularly good, but they were very deep. Not sure how that can happen, but I'll take it. The Bs were very compact, the Cs had way more twist than I usually get, and the Ds are awkward and off-balance, but in a way that seems to promise a brighter future ;-) I wonder if my mind was so busy being worried about how awful I'd feel that my body just went on its merry way...

I tried to sneak in my navasanas when Volleyball Guy wasn't looking, but he ran right over to spot me for handstands. Awwwwwww...handstands?!?! Do I have to? They were fine, though. The shoulder opening stuff I've been working on really seems to be helping my handstands. I always used to lock out my elbows and kind of find the balance point using the flex in my lower back. Lately, though, my elbows are not quite locked, and I am finding the balance in my hands and upper arms. Much easier.

No matter that this morning's practice turned out well: there's no way I'm going to try to rationalize that the evil toffee chocolate popcorn stuff was helpful to my cause. When I was climbing a lot, a day of heavy food intake was sometimes really helpful--I guess it was similar to carb-loading before a marathon. I'm afraid the same principles do not apply in yoga.

Today is a day off from work. Volleyball Guy's son came in to practice this morning. He is not a morning person. "Why is it so bright?" he moaned as he entered the room. "Because your eyes are open," Volleyball Guy replied. Anyhow, V Guy's Son wanted to know why those of us who didn't have to work were practicing so early. "It's all about the company," I said. And that's quite true. If I have to suffer through a post-holiday practice, it helps to be surrounded by others who are ruing their mashed potatoes.

Blech...

Alrighty, so tomorrow's experiment is twofold: Can I get myself out of bed and to practice after a day of eating a really astounding amount of food? And: What happens when I get to the marichyasanas? Should be interesting. Truth be told, I usually pause somewhere in the marichys and have a bit of a burp from the coffee I use to fuel the drive to Volleyball Guy's. I'm kinda scared to see what happens tomorrow ;-)

And the results of yesterday's (inadvertent) experiment are in: Lots of ustrasanas make you really sore. Volleyball Guy has this thing on Saturdays where he counts how many men are in class and we do that many urdhva dhanurasanas. Yesterday, there were eight men. I stuck with my ustrasana-instead-of-urdhva-dhanurasana program--and I am really feeling it today. I'd been feeling like I was getting off easy, doing ustrasana instead of UD. Not feeling it today, though.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Belated Buddha's Enlightenment Day to all, and to all a food...uh, I mean good...night!

Never too late to celebrate Enlightenment Day

Rachel and Kathy both offered lovely posts about their belief systems and the holidays. So I'll throw something in, too.

The quote below is from an article written in response to a question about whether Buddhists celebrate Christmas. A number of people at work asked me that question this week, and my reply was, "Sure! Why not?" I'm afraid I'm not great at explaining zen to folks who don't practice it, because I take great delight in ambiguity and have little interest in black and white stuff. So I end up sounding like a blithering idiot. To avoid blogging like a blithering idiot, here's a little compilation of texts that answer the question better than I did this week in the office ;-)

Within a context of non-judgment and non-attachment to transient material phenomena, what's a holiday? Is it a distraction, a hindrance to practice? Should a Buddhist dourly wrap him/herself in black robes and turn his/her back to the tinsel crowd? Is the commercialism of Christmas a deterrent to spiritual growth? Or is this just another opportunity, like everything else in life when seen through the Buddhist perspective, to observe with detachment, but also with affection and concern, to sense the love and generosity and hope that underlies the material display of the season, and to contemplate the meaning of Jesus' life and message?

...Although I have taken vows to follow the Buddhist precepts and to take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha, I go to a friend's home to eat too much, exchange presents, and play killer Scrabble on Christmas. Why not? Would one cancel out the other?

...Certainly one who calls him or herself a Buddhist could well celebrate Christmas.

...Despite the cultural diversity of world Buddhism, there are some occasions observed by so many Buddhist groups, sects, lineages, retreats, monasteries and local sanghas that one would almost dare to make a generality. This would be Bodhi Day, the day Buddha achieved enlightenment under the Bodhi tree. December 8 is widely agreed to be that date.

You can check out the text of an Enlightenment Day speech by a zen master by using this link.

And the last word goes to Seung Sahn, zen master and founder of the Kwan Um school of zen:

A long time ago Shakyamuni Buddha sat under the bodhi tree for six years. Then one morning he saw a star and got enlightenment. In our world many kinds of religion have appeared: Judaism, Christianity, Islam. Today many people believe in these religions. In the Buddha's time, also, there were many kinds of religion. But the Buddha left all these beliefs behind and went to the mountain. He only asked himself, "What am I?" Then he attained enlightenment. So Buddhism is a religion of enlightenment, not of belief.

This morning was a wonderful Christmas Eve led primary. The place was packed, and everyone was cheery. We also had a number of new folks. I was a little worried--some of these folks had pretty much no yoga background at all. I'm not sure if they left feeling happy or freaked out. Volleyball Guy tried to narrate what was happening as much as possible to let them know what they were supposed to be doing, and he offered suggestions for many modifications. A busy morning for him! I am curious to ask him about what it feels like, from a teacher's perspective, to have a huge class of experienced folks as well as a significant number of novices to look after.

I trust he'll have a compassionate and humorous (hence, zen-like) answer.

Day off

No, not a day off from practice. A day off from work! Which means it was hard to get up at 4:30 AM, but who cares? I can take a nap later on. How nice to practice, then come home and make tea and blog--with no thought for getting myself to work.

Very, very warm at Volleyball Guy's this morning. Sanskrit Scholar, The British Director, Returning Guy, Chanting Man, and a guest visit by Black Star. I call her that because there are three or four women who always come to Saturday led, who Volleyball Guy calls the All Blacks. Because they generally wear black. I guess Volleyball Guy's naming system is about as sophisticated as mine ;-) Anyhow, Black Star is the star of the All Blacks. You should see this woman do ardha baddha padmottanasana. With her hands in namaste behind her back on the way down, unwaveringly thoughout the pose, and all the way back to standing. It is a thing of beauty.

Practice was good--a little sore in the knee, but nothing that couldn't be gotten around by going a little easy. Handstands between navasava were terrific. I am really learning the balancing point. Volleyball Guy looked over when I was doing them and said, "You don't need me anymore!" "I'm sure you're relieved," I replied. He thought that was funny.

Despite my paranoid musings last week, kurmasana is coming along quite nicely. I can get my shoulders on the floor, and I can feel that my heels will be coming up off the floor pretty soon. The real news, though, was supta kurmasana. Today I crossed my right foot over the left quite easily. No, they're not behind my head--they're on the floor. And no, the bind is not happening yet (Sanskrit Scholar reached over and put a strap between my hands to help me out), but there's the sense that all is in fact coming, supta kurmasana-wise. Eventually.

And as I took a bunch of extra breaths in supta kurmasana, I noticed the sting of salty rivulets in my eyes. I wondered if I was sweating or crying. And it was interesting, because it didn't matter, either way. I just was exactly where I was, and what was happening was just exactly what was happening. I was free of discrimination--at least for a few moments there. I know everyone talks about the physical practice, but the real magic is the inner work. And I had a nice, salty taste of it.

Holiday home practice

If it's Thursday, it must be home practice. And I sure needed it, with the escalating emotional chaos at work. Nothing bad is happening, but it seems like everyone is exhausted and swamped with work and overwhelmed by the holiday season. I'm just looking forward to the end of the work day, because then I have four days off.

So practice this morning was a respite from the frantic. All about breath today, and a little bit about bandhas. One thing I noticed: in the suryas, my inhale out of down dog is pretty lousy. Something to work on. But the rest of practice was patient and focused (therefore, pleasant).

Even as I rolled over to turn off the alarm clock this morning, I could feel my hip flexors. Not feeling injured, but making their presence known. I imagine this is from the ustrasana/dhanurasana combo I'm doing in lieu of urdhva dhanurasana. And possibly because Volleyball Guy had me do 5 sirsasana Bs yesterday morning. He's so whimsical ;-)

Tonight The Cop is working late, and My Gift From The Universe is taking her boyfriend, The Frenchman, out to dinner. This is her Christmas present to him. She has saved up $150 worth of her hard-earned cash to take him to a fancy fondue (just me, or does fondue seem so 1970s?) restaurant here in town. As she told me, "The best gift for The Frenchman is the gift of cheese." I love that she prefers the gift of an experience to the gift of an object. And that he does, too.

So I'll have a very rare night on my own this evening. What will I do? I told The Cop and My Gift that I would lie pathetically on the couch all evening and eat any lint that I find between the pillows for dinner ;-) Really, though, I think I will just read in the bathtub. As a little Christmas present to myself.

Hanufootinthefaceasana

Busy morning, this morning. Lots of guys. Usually there are more women than men at Volleyball Guy's, but when I arrived this morning, I was greeted by Returning Guy, Chanting Man, Bikram Guy and the new guy--who, obviously, I cannot name "New Guy," unless I decide to have a promotion system, where folks only get blog names after appearing for a while as New Guy or New Gal. You know what? I like that idea. Okay, so New Guy was also there today.

Before I was done with my suryas, Sanskrit Scholar and The British Director showed up. So then there was some grrl power.

I practiced next to Chanting Man for the first time today. Returning Guy was on my other side. I already know that Returning Guy respects my space and knows that I respect his, and that it's pleasant to practice near him, but I wasn't sure about Chanting Man. Of course, as it turns out, he is a lovely person to practice near. I was turning to my second side for hanumanasana, and there was his foot in the floaty part of utthita hasta padangusthasana. He'd done UHP sideways on his mat, since we were so crowded. "Sorry, Karen," he whispered. "No worries," I whispered back.

I'm not sure what it is, but I love those little interactions in the midst of Mysore practice. It makes us co-conspirators. Of what, exactly, I'm not sure. But now we're friends. Because he stuck his foot in my face. Or, more likely, because we are both trying to do the same thing, in a very small space. The concessions we make to each other at Volleyball Guy's are representative of how people should behave but so often don't. There's something about that, simple as it is, that I just really love. It is a good way to start the day.

The Name

People have asked me, what's with the name?

1. I practice zen.
2. Donut (see below).



Hence, Donut's Zen Mom.

Home Practice with David

I always practice at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays (and will, until I can talk Volleyball Guy into offering Mysore on those days ;-) Usually I get up and surf the web a bit while I have a cup of coffee. It's nice to read fellow Ashtangis' blogs before I start in on my own practice. Usually I feel kind of envious of their Tuesday and Thursday shala practice as I try to get inspired for my home practice. Today, though, I had the company of the NYC folks who are practicing at home because of the transit strike. I hope that is resolved quickly, so you all can get back to your morning Mysore.

I had a bad dream just before the alarm went off. The Cop was off pursuing bad guys and I was trying to get some back-up help from the Police Department, but they just didn't show up. It was scary and gut-wrenching, and I didn't feel very good when I woke up. My mind and my emotions were all stirred up.

So after some coffee, I decided I'd practice with David Swenson's DVD. If my mind is all busy, it's helpful for me to do "led" practice at home. I haven't used Swenson's DVD for a long while, so it was nice to hear his voice again. I like to listen to the details he points out about the poses, much like I occasionally listen to Richard Freeman's DVD, to hear the details RF chooses to emphasize. I can't imagine narrating an Ashtanga sequence--there's just so much going on! But I do like words, so I enjoy hearing how teachers talk as they teach.

Instead of urdhva dhanurasanas, I went with my current program of ustrasana and dhanurasana. And I spent a bit of time trying to stretch out my shoulders and chest. I think I will stick with this program throughout January, and see how my urdhva dhanurasana looks as a result, when I get back to it in February. I love having a little project...

Off to work, now, for an early meeting with my boss. Planning strategy for 2006. This time of year is rather stressful--with everyone wrapping up a year's worth of work and looking toward next year's goals. I'm psyched for the four day Christmas weekend! Volleyball Guy is putting together a Christmas Eve Bikram field trip. Again I am confronted with my Bikram resistance. And still not sure why I feel it.

Gyroscopic dyskinesthesia

Yeah, I made up the title. It's not real. Well, except it's how I explain the weird thing that happens to me in the prasaritas and ardha baddha padmottansana. It is climbing-related.

When I was climbing alot, I finally got to the point where I did not orient myself to the ground. When I first started, I was always very aware of where the ground was below me, and I climbed straight up, pretty much, and always kept my feet closest to the ground--even if they were 700 feet off the ground ;-) But as I got better at climbing, I started climbing more complicated rock faces--things that undulated and had outcroppings and ledges and all sorts of features. And the coolest thing started to happen: I would totally lose my sense of where the ground was in relation to my body. In order to reach the next hold, it might not be correct to keep my feet pointing toward the ground. I might need to be sideways, or upside down, or whatever. It was the coolest feeling, to lose my sense of relationship to the ground.

And now that is sometimes happening in the prasaritas and in AB padmottanasana. If I am relaxed and in my breath, all of a sudden I won't understand where "up" and "down" is. At first it happened when Volleyball Guy was adjusting me. Usually in Prasarita C. He'd have me so well-anchored as he adjusted my arms, that I could fully relax upside down, and forget about how gravity was working. Of course, he also makes a point of guiding you back up after a particularly long, deep adjustment. Same deal with AB padmottanasana. The catch now, though, is that when I am in those poses, it is early morning, I am warm, the other folks around me are breathing and practicing, the light is low, my mind is relaxed, everything is soft and fuzzy, until...whoa! suddenly I realize I am upside down all by myself and not paying attention to the physical laws. No, I haven't fallen yet. But the feeling is like falling asleep in the bathtub. It seems like a good idea until you breathe in some water and wake with a start. So we'll see how it goes. Hopefully no flying prasaritas. And yes, I've envisioned the domino effect that would ensue if I flop over. Kinda makes me laugh. Everyone else might be less amused.

Only other thing today was kurmasana. For the past couple of practices, Volleyball Guy has mentioned that my kurmasana is looking good. You have to realize, Volleyball Guy hardly ever says a word about poses or progress, so of course I had the paranoid thought, "Gosh, I wonder if it's so hideous that he feels he has to be encouraging." The Cop set me straight when I shared that thought. He said I was probably just getting better from practicing so much. Okay, fair enough. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised :-)

Brain breathing

Saturday led was packed today. All the usual suspects, plus all the Bikramites, plus a few new people. Returning Guy, who usually only does Mysore, came for the first time. He was amazed at how crowded the room was, and everyone was talking before Volleyball Guy got there, so it sounded like a cocktail party.

Practice was good. How could it not be, in a room with that many people, in a room so warm and energetic?

One thing I've been noticing is that I do not think ahead in the sequence any more. When I first started, I always thought ahead. The most difficult version of that was the thinking how long the whole practice was going to be. I used to step onto my mat and be kind of overwhelmed at the scope of the project. Now, though, I never think about how long practice takes. Then for a while, I thought about what poses were coming up next. No way to avoid that, when you're learning the sequence and have to try to remember what's next. But I wondered if I would ever get past that. Apparently I have. It's nice. The practice has a much more organic flow.

I have a new book, which I've just begun, but which looks very interesting: Swara Yoga: The Tantric Science of Brain Breathing by Swami Muktibodhananda. Link on the right side of this page. Interesting stuff about nadis, pranayama and swara. Swara seems to be the yoga of breath--and more subtle than pranayama. Please don't quote me on that. I've only read the first couple of chapters. Yoga makes one so much more sensitive, physically, but I am finding it very hard to articulate the things I am learning.

And this afternoon, I'll be on the hunt for a new book. I have a new person transferring onto my team from another department at work. I suspect I may have my hands full with her. I am going to get a book on passive-aggressive behavior, because I think that's what is going on. I'd like to be able to recognize it and respond with compassion and a clear mind. These...uh, "opportunities" are always interesting challenges for me: how can I bring my yoga into the "real world"? How can I help someone who is suffering get a taste of freedom and bliss? And is that even possible? I don't know, but it's a very tempting thing to try.

Climbing shoulders

Today's practice was good, as usual. Chanting Man brought his daughter again. I think I will call her The Cat, because she has a lovely little cat-like quality. I envy her yoga karma--imagine having an Ashtanga practice at 9 years old. I thoroughly enjoyed practicing next to her today. She is a gracious next door neighbor. Aware of what's going on around her, but not affected by it. Nice.

For the past couple of nights, I've stretched my shoulders out by backbending over the Swiss ball and grabbing sandbags in my hands, then rolling forward on the ball so the weight pulls on my shoulders. It is passive stretching, and it seems to be teaching me some things about my shoulders and upper back.

So today in practice, I get to urdhva dhanurasana and I have a question. A totally unplanned, and therefore totally inarticulate, question. I was also a bit slow to speak because I don't like to disturb the quiet. Volleyball Guy saw the question in my eyes and came over and put his arm around me and leaned forward to hear what I was thinking. I told him about the stretching I'd been doing and said I felt like pushing up into urdhva dhanurasana kind of "locks" my shoulders--that it might be counterproductive to what I'm trying to figure out right now. He didn't miss a beat, and had me do a couple of ushtrasanas and three dhanurasanas. Then he had me do a handstand. He turned his back to me, grabbed my ankles, and picked me up off the floor, then he bent forward at the waist until I was backbending upside down. Kinda cool. And it felt really good! I am impressed with his solution--backbends that don't involve my shoulders in the way that urdhva dhanurasana does.

In savasana I suddenly flashed on climbing. I've always attributed my tight shoulders and upper back to 15 years of weightlifting, but I imagine climbing played a role, too. In climbing, I was always pulling down with my shoulders/arms. And when climbing overhangs, your upper back really gets a workout. And factor in the fear component. I am afraid of heights (or I was) and I was in these situations where I was continually being challenged, where alot of the discipline was simply about not freaking out. I guess your muscles get pretty tense when you are hanging off a cliff, huh? In savasana, I realized some of that feeling is still in me. So I need some time to work around in my shoulders and kind of figure out how to let go of that fear.

I'm including my favorite picture of me climbing, just for fun. I miss it. I miss overcoming my fear, and I miss the sweet feeling of touching the ground after being off it all day. I miss being so conscious of my own mortality, and in a situation where I couldn't think about anything except what was right in front of me. Kind of zen. Forced zen, really. You have to be in the moment, or you're screwed. Extreme zen. LOL!

Happy

Is there anything cooler than a Moon Day? I think not. That two extra hours of sleep really makes me happy. I actually feel awake this morning. I wonder if Guruji has anything to say about sleep--whether 8 hours is optimal, whether an attachment to sleep might be a problem, etc. I know I've read that the Dalai Lama sleeps very little. How does someone get into the swing of that, I wonder? I had a professor in grad school who could never sleep more than 4 or 5 hours a night. He thought it was something of a curse, to so often be awake when everyone around him was asleep. I thought it was pretty cool, though. Think of all the extra things you could get done. And I remember his home, which was always incredibly clean. I guess at a certain point, all that's left to do in the middle of the night is dust every surface in your house.

Happy knee

Today is the day of the happy knee. Hopefully that sentence won't jinx me. It started off not so good--just didn't feel motivated this morning, but got out of bed anyhow. Coffee and a drive to Volleyball Guy's. I wondered if my malaise was moon-related. Tomorrow is a moon day--so maybe I am feeling the effects of it? I think I am still too cynical to really believe that. I figured it was more about being tired from work and the general stress of the holiday season.

So I had few expectations for practice. Another quiet morning--Volleyball Guy, me, Sanskrit Scholar, Returning Guy and The Other Dave. Immediately I was intensely absorbed by the practice. My mind just shut right off. I love when that happens! And my knee felt really good (I still feel nervous saying that). The first, and perhaps greatest, test is always ardha baddha padmottanasana. This morning, it went off without a hitch. Even when I really sank into the forward bend. It's been a long time since I've felt my foot really press into my tummy on that pose. Lately it's just been about wondering if I should even try to bend forward.

And everything else was a-okay: Janu A, B and C felt fine, as did Marichy B and D. I even folded the leg into lotus. Hooray! I was ready to declare my knee healed when I was in baddha padmasana, which I have to say is my favorite pose. I wouldn't have really known that, except I missed it so much when I couldn't do it.

Backbends, as always, sucked. All I can hope for at this point is to keep my breathing even so that part of the sequence doesn't devolve into an I-hate-backbends festival in my mind. I have to find something to enjoy in backbends and dropbacks--something to latch onto that will pull me out of the dark downward spiral that is my backbend practice. LOL! How dramatic. But I really do have to adjust my attitude.

To tea or not to tea

Practice this morning at home. It would be much easier if Volleyball Guy would just have Mysore on Tuesdays and Thursdays. On the other hand, maybe the lack of a Mysore option is good, to force my hand and make me practice at home.

I felt rather unmotivated, so spent a little time drinking tea and surfing the web. Still felt unmotivated. A little more tea. Still, nothing, in terms of inspiration. Then suddenly, I was ready to go. No idea what kicked off that transition. The tea, maybe?

Usually I have coffee before practice. I have to get up quite early in order to have coffee and then let it settle in my stomach. And the last few practices, it hasn't settled very well. So perhaps tea is the answer? Or not having anything to drink before practice at all? How would I drive to Volleyball Guy's without caffeine, though?

Okay, so tea today. As an experiment. And practice was quite nice. I always despair at the start of home practice--obviously I can never get as warm as at Volleyball Guy's, where there's a heater going full blast and a bunch of other people. So the beginning was about me feeling outside of my practice--not warm, distracted by work thoughts (today is our quarterly planning session--a meeting that runs all day and tends to be rather stressful). I really stuck to my breath, though, and suddenly I felt warm and connected.

The interesting thing about the slightly cooler practice is that my muscles feel alot springier. Which is a nice change. Though it's funny how my mind wants to reject any sensation that isn't "usual." Usually my muscles feel very warm and languid. So when they feel springy, my mind tries to tell me something is wrong. But of course it's not wrong--it's just different. Thank goodness for zen--at least I've learned that it's often best if I set my mind aside. (Something to remember in today's meeting.)

When I got to backbends, I tried to reproduce something Volleyball Guy did yesterday. He mentioned that my lower back is very good in backbends, and that my shoulders are the sticking point. Apparently all those years spend lifting weights and climbing really made my shoulders tight. When I did my assisted dropbacks, he held me at halfway and had me grab two sandbags from the ground, then he pulled back so there'd be tension through my arms and shoulders. It felt pretty helpful.

This morning I did a backbend over the Swiss ball, grabbed two sandbags and rolled forward on the ball so the weight fell through my arms and shoulders. Nice. Maybe something I should do in the evenings as a little experiment. It'll have to be once the dog goes to sleep for the evening--she feels it is her duty to attack the Swiss ball when it is out in the livingroom. It is hysterically funny, but also a battle she is likely to win, leaving me without a ball...

A few pictures for Sammy

Sammy had a question about the four-wheeling picture I posted. Here are a couple more that show the Jeep off to good effect...

The Cop is going to be so pleased that his four-wheeling rig is being admired by the Ashtangi community ;-)

And for good measure, here's a photo of the witnesses to our Sunday drive...

Toxic

Quiet morning. Volleyball Guy, me, The Other Dave and Returning Guy. Apparently December is a quiet yoga month, but Volleyball Guy warned us that January will be chock full of people with New Year's resolutions. He said he'll add more days if things get too crowded.

The interesting thing about yoga is how sensitive it makes you to your physical status. My status today: toxic. Yup, I noticed that I was breathing out gas fumes. Yuck. Yesterday the Cop and I went four-wheeling. The tank of the rig is inside the Jeep, behind the passenger seat. And it leaks a little when you go over bumps. And there are lots of bumps. Hence the breathing of petroleum products.

So as it turns out, we ran out of the house with cups of coffee yesterday morning and when we got home we were exhausted and happy, and we had cheesecake for supper. Lovely day. Except this morning I realized all we'd consumed all day was gasoline and sugar. Not optimal for a good yoga practice the next day. Note to self.

Practice was good, aside from feeling poisoned. Both ardha baddhas were okay--not spectacular, but do-able. Janu A was fine. I had to fold my right leg under on Marichy B and D. And baddha padmasana is still not happening, which is so sad, because aside from the little balasana after sirsasana, that's the sweetest pose of the series.

Sunday fun

Saturday led

Led primary. Warm, crowded, a lot of friendly faces. Really nice. I've been going to this class for 5 months, and I clearly remember the first time I went. I was kind of scared, to be trying this new practice, and I felt anonymous, like no one would really notice me in the big, crowded room. Now I know, though, that all of us regulars know each other, and that new people are most certainly noticed. Welcomed, too, though no one makes a particularly big deal about it. And if someone comes back a few times, then they are part of the "regulars," too.

There is none of the weird stuff that can go on in the "real world," where people are cliquish or snotty when they belong to a group. And I chalk this up to Volleyball Guy and to teachers like Sanskrit Scholar and the British Director. They don't play that. If you practice, and if you come back again and again, you are part of the team. No questions asked. It makes me trust their yoga, that this is how they live in the world.

As has been my custom, I modified all the poses that hurt my right knee. And Volleyball Guy modified his adjustments. He adjusted me lightly in Marichy A on the right side, then really got down to business on the left side.

It was driving me mad, at first, to modify on the right--it felt so asymmetrical. But it doesn't seem like a big deal at all anymore. I'll modify 'til I'm healed. No biggie. Sammy is suffering the same fate, but I think we've both decided it's just one of those things. And truth be told, it's quite interesting to be learning different things on either side of a pose. Marichy D is a great example. On the right, I can fold up my left leg but can't really push on the twist or the bind, because it puts too much pressure on my right knee. On the left side, I can't fold my right leg into lotus, so I just tuck it under me, but then I can really go for broke on the twist and see how deeply I can bind. So it's a different learning experience on either side.

This limitation is also giving me a chance to play around with transitions like utkatasana to bakasana to chaturanga. And today, during dropbacks, the British Director spotted me as I walked my hands down the back of my legs, then transitioned into the end of the dropback. It's hard for me to understand stuff that involves the back of me or being upside down. My brain doesn't "get it" right away. But it felt interesting, and when I got home I showed The Cop, so he can help me practice it some more.

So, as usual, it was good to practice. Now, time for a shower, and then we're off to get our Christmas tree. I'm psyched for some holiday spirit.

Getting back to it

Back to Volleyball Guy's this morning, after three days off due to illness. I can't believe how quickly that cold, or whatever it was, hit me and then resolved. I wonder if my practice helps keep my immune system particularly efficient.

Anyhow, got up at 4:30 AM and wondered if perhaps I shouldn't sleep in another day. That was wishful thinking, though, because I really felt perfectly okay to go to practice. Not energetic, but not ill, either.

It felt lovely to move and stretch. Even just starting off with the Surya As felt delightful. This is the longest stretch of time off I've had since I started practicing Ashtanga (5 months ago). And it seems the rest did me some good. I didn't feel stiff, or like I'd lost ground, stretch-wise, but I did feel resilient, muscularly. Like when I was climbing alot and took a couple of days off. You go back and your muscles feel particularly powerful.

Endurance was a little lacking, though. By the time I got to backbends, I was ready for a nap and my nose felt a little stuffy. I was lying on my mat, contemplating going right into closing poses, when Volleyball Guy came over with the strap and asked me how many backbends I'd done so far. "Uh...zero?" was my plaintive reply. He didn't pick up on that, though--or maybe he did. Nevertheless, the backbending was on. Five on my own, the last with a spot to standing. Then five dropbacks. Then it was over! Yay!

My knee felt okay--off, but not painful. So I tried ardha baddha padmottanasana, gingerly, and then ardha baddha padma paschimottanasana. They were pretty ugly on the right side, but oh well.

It was great to be back.

The upside

I am sick. Quite yucky--headache, fever, sore throat. Of course when I got into work yesterday (thinking I'd do a few things, then take off early) my boss asked me if I could get a proposal done for a major global project...by Friday! Ouch. So I ran around all day trying to put together a team, write a proposal, get the thing priced with Business Development...just crazy. It would be fun, actually, if I didn't feel so crappy.

So no practice today and can't go back until I'm better--I don't want to make everyone else sick. The upside is that it'll maybe give my knee some time to really heal. And I fell asleep at 8 last night and slept in until 7 AM. It really feels nice to sleep alot. I think that's the only flaw in my Ashtangi life--not nearly enough sleep.

I have meetings all day today, but it looks like the dog has a urinary tract infection--so I am going to try to get her to the vet between meetings. Poor thing. The Cop would bring her, but his job is not flexible at all.

It's weird, when work and life take precedence over practice--but that's the name of the game for at least another day or so. That's fine. Think of how great it's gonna be when I feel well again and can get back to it!

Listening

Ugh, I have no choice but to listen to my body today. I'm not great at doing that, but I have a headache that makes bending over quite painful. Sinuses, I guess. Perhaps that is why I was feeling so uncoordinated in my Surya Bs yesterday--the vinyasa from utkatasana to samastithi was weirdly discombobulated.

So no practice this morning. Or perhaps I should call it a restorative practice--passed out on the couch from 4:30-6:30AM.

But work does not require my body, just my mind. So here I am... Already thinking that if I feel better later, I can sneak home and squeeze in a practice...

Morning of the Funky Mat

Not sure where it was, but somewhere at Volleyball Guy's this morning, there was a seriously funky mat. Euww. My old mat disintegrated recently, and I have a new one, so it wasn't mine. Kinda wish it was, though, 'cause then I'd know how to fix the problem.

My knee is in "no way" mode. No way to most everything. Even sketchy in Janu A. And forget about Janu C. I already knew the usual off-limits poses weren't in the cards today. So I modified as best I could. I have this vision of the knee slooooowly healing, at which point I'll have a beautiful practice on my left side, and be a total klutz on the right.

Volleyball Guy gave me an incredible adjustment in Janu A this morning (on the left side; on the right, he just kind of stabilized my knee and let me do my own thing). It's funny to get that kind of intense adjustment on a pose I feel like I've already "got." Janu A always feels good to me--I can easily flatten my torso onto my outstretched leg--but this morning, Volleyball Guy pushed me down and forward enough that it felt like my head was going to hit my foot. Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration--but suffice it to say, I was surprised to find there was so much more room in the pose than I usually take.

Yesterday, after my dream of Richard Freeman, I decided to look at his DVD to check out his exit from bhujapidasana. But what really ended up catching my attention were a few things he did as he set up for Marichyasana A and C. I was eager to give it a try this morning. My results: uhm, I think Richard is taunting me with his virtuosity...he made it look like it was going to be so easy... LOL! Oh well, I guess I shoulda seen that coming...

Good practice this morning, in the company of Sanksrit Scholar, Bikram Teacher and The Other Dave. All with our various knee and hamstring complaints. Just another morning Mysore.

Dream on my day off

A few days ago, Jenna had a dream about Guruji at a football stadium. I love dreams! And I share this morning's dream because it cracks me up:

Richard Freeman, wearing pink rubber gloves, is in my kitchen, singing to me (with a Pepe Le Pew French accent) a deeply insightful song about practicing yoga.

Dreams are supposed to be the mind's way of processing information from waking life. How it's come to this, I can't say, but I have to assume everything is going quite well if this is the sort of thing that's going on in my psyche ;-)

Saturday alarm clock

The clock was set for 4:30AM. I slept badly, and wondered for a moment, when the alarm went off, if I should go. After all, there's a led class at 10AM. I counted in my mind--that'd be another 4 or 4 1/2 hours of sleep I could fit in. Then I got up and went to Volleyball Guy's for Mysore.

Saturdays are different days at Volleyball Guy's. Apparently he doesn't always come to early Saturday practice, and if he does, he concentrates on his own practice, rather than concentrating on adjusting all of us. That's one reason I wanted to go. Volleyball Guy is a great teacher, but I wanted to just practice with him. I guess that's the only way I can think of to give back some of the energy he gives to me.

So anyhow, on Saturday mornings, The Other Dave opens the door and practices, and whoever shows up, shows up. This morning Returning Guy and I showed up. After a bit, The Frenchwoman joined us.

It was a terrific practice. I love practicing with folks who've been at it for a long time. There is no fuss and no muss--just people breathing and practicing. There is something just lovely about the shared energy. It is deeper than just being social. Non-practitioners probably wonder how we can feel attached to people we "just" practice with. But I always walk out of there feeling really grateful to the other folks at Mysore. I try to put in my good energy, and I know they do, too. It's a pretty amazing thing.

Karen Spacey

Whoa, I don't think I slept well last night. While I don't usually feel the effects of new and full moons, the dog seems to. She really enjoys long walks in the back yard in the wee hours when the moon is full or new. So I was up with her last night at 3AM as she strolled around.

This morning, I headed off to Volleyball Guy's, figuring I'd stop by the bank on the way for cash. A few minutes later, I am standing outside my car at the gas station, filling up the tank. Huh, wait a minute...what am I doing here? I meant to go to the bank. Which is right next door, so not inconvenient, but I do worry about myself when I'm spacey like that. So I finish up at the gas station and go to the bank. Then on to Volleyball Guy's place. As I'm pulling onto his street, I have that weird I wonder if I'm dreaming this and gonna wake up in a minute feeling. I pretty much don't remember the ride to V Guy's at all. Think back. Yup, I had coffee. Maybe there really is something to this phases of the moon business.

Practice was pretty much a struggle to focus. The spacey feeling never really went away. I decided it was fine, that I could have a practice that was about just getting myself through practice--provided I finally remember the sequence after dandasana. It's been three practices in a row of going from dandasana to ardha baddha padma paschimottanasana. If I can't finally get it this morning, I'm going to just have to declare myself a loser. With that as my one goal for the morning, I actually managed to accomplish something. Only other notable thing was how crappy my knee feels. It felt bad enough in ardha baddha padmottanasana that I skipped the lotus on that side for the rest of my practice.

As I was leaving, Volleyball Guy asked me when he'd see me tomorrow. I told him I'm shooting for Mysore at 5:30AM. Otherwise he'll see me at 10 at led. Wish me luck--I'd really like to start doing Saturday Mysore. Better not get all excited about staying up late (10:30! 11!) tonight.

World AIDS Day

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

I miss you, Nick.

See you in our next lifetime.